Brutal. Some days are just...brutal.

And today is absolutely one of those days!

It snowed last night which earned us a two hour delay. I was excited for the extra time with the twinadoes and even more please when our whole morning routine went smoothly. No tears, no arguments, we all walked out the door smiling.

We were about ten minutes early to school and waiting at the car rider door when things changed. Miss A jammed a 'ring' (in reality, it was the sight off of a pair of toy binoculars) on to her index finger and got it stuck.

Really stuck.

I tried sanitizer. I tried lotion. Being in the car, my resources were limited. Between her dramatic screams I noticed her finger was swelling and she said it was really sore. So - with school still not open, we buckled back up and headed to the ER.

An hour from the actual time of the incident the ER docs (all two of them!) finally freed her. Her finger was still in tact, albeit a little read and sore but we survived.

I don't talk a whole lot the inner workings at home any more, but reality is - some days parenting is hard. Some days parenting Addison is really hard. She's a very unique individual. With a complex and sometimes confusing set of challenges.

When she struggles, I (we) struggle.

Kindergarten has been a huge challenge for her. She doesn't learn like her peers, but she works her but off and we've got an amazing team - doing absolutely EVERYTHING they can do for her to help her succeed. And she is succeeding, at her own pace. Doesn't mean she's not struggling.

She's misunderstood. People look at her and look at me and think I'm nuts when they hear about her challenges. These people don't see the fights in the morning over socks that feel funny. Pants that tickle. Tags that are attacking her back. And don't even get me started on need to brush her hair. Nearly every morning there are tears. I can't fix things and make them not bother her. (Lord have we tried.)

I've never met a child more resilient, brave and strong though - because no matter how uncomfortable she is, she pushes through.

Still there are things she does not understand. I cannot even imagine how in a split second she got this silly toy stuck to her finger, how she ever got it over her knuckle to begin with or how she didn't think, "This isn't going on, maybe I should not push it."

Pieces don't always connect for her. What seems logical to you, me, heck even Mr. B - they're not so logical to her.

One thing I've heard over and over this year, with school is that she doesn't fit any certain criteria. She may struggle with one thing, but do great with another part of the same things, like letters. Her teacher gave me this example, when identifing letters - Addi could id the letter 'v', later during a writing assignment - she asked how to spell 'cave' and the teacher prompted her 'c...a...v...e....", she wrote the letter 'v' without having it pointed out to her. It's hard even for them to find the pieces.

I don't know how to accurately explain today, because it wasn't just the toy stuck to her finger after that. It all went down hill. She's been extra emotional today. Into everything. As in, cannot be left alone for a split second without doing something she knows is off limits.

- Much like the night she emptied all the groceries from the fridge and laid them on the floor. Because 'you're not supposed to put the grocery bags in the fridge and I wanted to help.' Except she missed the part about putting all the stuff back in the fridge, sans bags.

- Or the times she sleep walks and tours the whole house. Thankfully, most of the time, if I don't hear her, Remi does and lets us know.

Most nights, Addi (and Blake) find their way into our bed. I sleep horribly but, I know they're safe. Addison is usually wrapped so tightly to me that I know when she moves. So yeah, it sucks sometimes, but I'm ok with it.

We're all learning and adapting.

Yes some of it is typical 5/6 year old behavior. And it's ok. It really is. But some days are really really hard.

Today was one of those days.

When you have a child with any kind of special needs, it's hard for other people to relate. Hard for them to understand. And sometimes that comes across in odd ways. So, know I'm not being mean or rude when I say we can't do certain things or my kids can't have certain things. I'm not crazy, I'm not overprotective. I'm just the one who spends the bulk of time with them and I know their needs. I can usually predict their reactions to things. (Usually ;) ). My only goal in life is to keep them alive and healthy and happy. Nothing else matters. Really.

<3

Kindergarten - What? Whoa!

I know, I said I was stepping away from this blogging thing. But guess what? It's hard to do.

I just have too many words.

Yup, themes will be shifting gears here, I've still got to figure out how I want to do that, but - here's a little something about the twins....

They started K this year. It's full day which means I've got a lot of time on my hands now.

This is what I posted on FB the day they started school....

"There were days when we wondered... would they walk, would they talk? What would be Addison's cognitive abilities? Six years ago, they were literally very tiny little embryos growing. Five years ago they were home and we were elbows deep in feeding tubes, counting calories and every therapy service under the sun as well as countless doctor's appts.

We still worried and wondered.

Today, I watched as they walked inside school, hand in hand. Tomorrow, they'll get on the 'big kid bus' and they'll be gone all day.


I'll cry, I'll miss them like crazy, and I'll worry. But above all, I'll rejoice because out of all of the darkness - the infertility, the IVF, the high risk pregnancy and the NICU stay - there has come so much light. So much hope. And growth.

They've surpassed every expectation, every 'should' and 'could', they've defied the odds. And because of that, I'm proud.

This year is opening doors for big changes for all of us, and I'm excited to see where it will lead. For the last 5 years I've been a full time mom - 24/7. I wouldn't change it for the world. But now, I'll be finding myself too, while Addison and Blake are off finding who they are too. Without each other (separate classes) and without me too.

Just remember friends and family, nothing is impossible. Even the word itself says "I'm Possible".

And now I shall go cry myself to sleep LOL."

What's a Mom to do?

If you've been following the blog for some time, then you know... in about 5-6 days the twins will be 5.

There are still things going on in their lives but as they've grown, I've been finding myself again.

I've promised over and over that I'd get this blog back up and running, but truth is.... I think it's time to just accept reality. There just isn't as much to report.

So with that, I think I'm just going to leave this blog here, check in occasionally, but start pursuing my true passion which is reading books and writing love stories.

I'll still be here for all our preemie friends and will always be around for support.  But this is truly on the back burner.

I'm so thankful for everything this blog has meant but I am looking forward to growing

Coming Soon

   In my last post I briefly mentioned some changes I was making to the blog. The focus and content mostly.

   So .... Coming January 1st, I'll be relaunching the blog with all new content and a new design.

   I'll still be updating about the wonder twins and all that good stuff, but as they grow, my life has changed so the new look will reflect that. So, until then, pardon the dust and stay tuned.

A Lover's Lament - RELEASE DAY!

A Lover's Lament
KL Grayson & BT Urruela

In a matter of seconds my entire world changed, and it was in that moment that I stopped living and simply began to exist. In my grief, I sent a letter to the first boy I ever loved. I hoped in writing it I’d find some peace from the nightmare I was living, some solace in my anger. I didn’t expect him to write back. I wasn’t prepared for his words, and I certainly wasn’t ready for the impact this soldier would have on my life. A deep-rooted hate transformed into friendship, and then molded into a love like I’d never known before. Sergeant Devin Ulysses Clay did what I couldn’t: he put the shattered pieces of my heart back together, restoring my faith in humanity and teaching me how to live again. But now that I’m whole, I have a decision to make. Do I return to my life as I knew it and the fiancé I left behind, or do I walk away from it all for the only man to ever break my heart?

 ***

 I’ve been living in hell, but you won’t hear me complain. These men depend on me, as I do them, and this brotherhood is the only family I’ve ever known. The Army saved me from a callous mother and a life on the wrong side of the tracks that was quickly spiraling out of control. So unlike most of the men in my platoon, going home wasn’t something I longed for. I was content overseas, spending my days defending this country that gave me my life back. Fighting became my new normal … until her. A letter from Katie Devora—a letter that I almost didn’t open. Her words put a fire back inside of me that I didn’t know I’d lost. She gave me hope during a time when I was fighting every day just to stay alive, and now it’s time I fight for her.

Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes and Noble | Goodreads


  About the Authors:

K.L. Grayson resides in a small town outside of St. Louis, MO. She is entertained daily by her extraordinary husband, who will forever inspire every good quality she writes in a man. Her entire life rests in the palms of six dirty little hands, and when the day is over and those pint-sized cherubs have been washed and tucked into bed, you can find her typing away furiously on her computer. She has a love for alpha-males, brownies, reading, tattoos, sunglasses, and happy endings…and not particularly in that order.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/KL-Grayson/1403900879892076?ref=hl
Twitter: https://twitter.com/authorklgrayson
 IG: @booksbyklgrayson

Taylor Urruela was an infantryman in the US Army from August 2004 until February 2011. At the end of a year long tour in Baghdad, IQ, his vehicle was hit by two roadside bombs, which took his right leg below the knee and the life of his commander. He was awarded the Purple Heart for his wounds, an Army Commendation Medal and Combat Infantryman’s Badge. He medically retired from the Army in 2011 and moved to Tampa, FL where he currently works as a Director and Brand Ambassador of VETSports, a veteran community sports nonprofit he co-founded in 2012. He also conducts speaking engagements and he’s a personal trainer for Tampa Sports Academy.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BTUrruela?fref=ts
Twitter: https://twitter.com/BTUArmy
IG: @BTUrruela


I'm honored to be apart of A Lover's Lament Release Day and hope you've enjoyed the first peek at this amazing work.

Enter below for a chance to win a signed copy and an Amazon gift card ... Giveaway sponsored by InkSlingerPR@gmail.com

 a Rafflecopter giveaway


Edited 11:02pm 6th Oct 2015 - 

Find my review below:

http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1410385479

I have not been compensated for this blog post. OurValentinesDaySurprise is not responsible for this Rafflecopter Giveaway. I'm just a mommy blogger who loves to read, is a fan of BT Urruela, and wanted to support these two amazing authors on their release day. Any reviews given on this blog are of my own opinion and do not reflect any views but my own unless otherwise stated. 

Kicking the Dust Off

So what do you do when an author asks you to pimp their new book on your blog? You dust that bad boy off and clean it up.

Don't worry, I'll still talk about the twins (and post a very long overdue update). But as my children grow, my focus is changing a little bit. I've got more time on my hands and I love reading so I'll be adding my love of reading to this blog.

Stick around while we're under construction and be sure to check back on Oct 6th to see what my first official release blitz looks like... (you're not going to want to miss this!)

Addison - 4 year old update

Gah....  I cannot believe the twins are four....FOUR. I seriously don't know how that happened. Four years ago we were praying and hoping and wondering if we'd make it this far.

Good news is, we are and we are thriving.

But I feel the need to say this.... prematurity does not end when you leave the NICU.  Not every preemie catches up by age two (or three) in spite of what many statistics and clinicians have said. I'm also going to say that, not every preemie will suffer long term delays.

We are still dealing with lingering effects from Addison being born prematurly. I never thought at four years old we'd still be in OT, PT, and Behavioral Therapy.

Has she made huge strides? HELL YES!
Has she narrowed the gap between where she is and where she should be? ABSOLUTELY!

BUT, is she developmentally your average "typical" four year old? Not quite.

Things is though, most of her delays are hiding behind the scenes; mostly. I see it because I'm with her everyday. Her current teacher and her therapists see it.

So as I said, she is still in PT; working on balance, low tone and core strength. She's also in the process of getting orthotics to help with her ankle stability among other things. Truth be told Addison is pretty excited about this because she got to pick out the design and as if there was any doubt, she'll be rocking fairy princesses.

A month ago we added Behavioral Therapy - probably sounds odd for a four year old. But... she has some anxiety and self esteem issues that we are building on. She asks a lot of questions because she is often so uncertain of things. And a lot of time it's on repeat.  But it's her way of reassurance. We often spend a lot of time going over social stories to help her understand what's happening.

After being on the wait list for awhile, we've now also added Occupational therapy, again. She struggles with fine motor and motor planning. Some of that motor planning comes into play with the above too. Addison will have a handful of different goals to work towards here.

Truth is, when we went to her OT eval, I had totally been expecting them to add services. But when we walked out, and I had a moment to myself; I cried. Because frankly, it sucks. And I wish that Addison didn't have to struggle.

As much as I don't want all of this to define Addison... it does. It has made her fierce, brave, strong, and probably most of all DETERMINED! And I couldn't possibly be more proud of her. She is constant reminder to me to never take a single moment for granted and to never underestimate.

Her Cleft Palate team was overwhelmingly pleased with her in October and the fabulous news is that her speech is on track. Doctor even thinks we might have gotten away with just ONE surgery. Time will tell.
Up next is Pre K/preschool interviews. We've narrowed it down to two. Unfortunately our district doesn't offer public Pre K currently so we are going to private Pre K to prep both Addison and Blake for the big K!

Shaking off the dust...

How in the world has it been months since I've last blogged? Where has the time gone?

Well... I'm back, because I have lots to say. And some big updates on the twins.

So let's start here...

Two years ago today I started running for the first time, EVER. Needless to say, I fell off the wagon, got back on, fell off... you get the point right? But today I figured what better day to get back on track. So I did.

I tossed on my running clothes, packed everyone a lunch and loaded the car. We hit the park and Addi and Blake ate their lunch in the stroller while I started over with Day 1 of C25k. A few things I noticed along the way included the fact that Holy Cow is that big stroller and two preschools a lot harder to push! They pretty much walk everywhere we go these days so the stroller has been collecting dust too. So there's that, and the fact that ... shew... I am still not in the shape I want to be in. But we cover a mile and quarter. Then I watched them conquer the playground while I soaked in some sun.

I even remembered the sun screen this time! 

I wanted to document this day and track my progress. So that's it for now. More to come.

Something to be Thankful for....

Last year around this time, I feel like I was in a totally different place.

This year I felt like I was really LIVING, present and in the moment.

The night before Miss A stayed up until the very wee hours of the night/morning waiting for her Daddy to return from work. Refusing to sleep, refusing to "wait" in her room, instead she joined me in our bed and watched Christmas movies, used a whole bottle of lotion on my back (but gave the best massage lol) and we talked. Hubs eventually made it home and spent some time with her, by this point she was fading fast but not before debating who would be on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.. according to her Luke Bryan would be appearing (right after she woke him up with a hug) and Santa would not be arriving at the end of the parade because "he is super busy at the North Pole right now Dad", after all he is "making all my presents!"

Needless to say her little up all night performance in addition to Hubs working so late derailed our plans of getting up before he left for work on turkey day to have breakfast together. Instead he went on his way to work, we snacked on frozen waffles, watched the parade together and cuddled. By "lunch" time Hubs was home, so we ssettled down for breakfast then with Chipped Beef Gravy and biscuits. He and the kiddos then took well deserved naps while I worked on setting the rest of dinner to bake.

Hubs was on call for work too and while he did get several phone calls that interrupted dinner a few times, he managed to escape having to go back out, so we got to enjoy our meal as a family.

I cannot explain the overwhelming sense of pride and joy when Addison said she wanted to lead Grace, and repeated after me. Or the joy in my heart as she ate to her hearts content... (remember those first two thanksgivings where we weren't even sure she'd ever eat????). Conversation flowed, mostly from A & B as hubs and I listen on. We talked about what we were thankful for... Addison and Blake both said "pie" lol, and Hubs and I both of course are thankful for each other and our two miracles (and a million other things).

We hung out and picked at the leftovers the rest of the night until it was time to clean up and head to bed. But not before we made a call to Santa, just to check in. Rumor has it that he will be arriving today to drop off our Christmas Tree.... (we had to tell Blake last year that Santa picks up the tree after the holidays, he didn't get why we couldn't just leave it up forever, so we promised Santa would bring it back again).

This morning I am very thankful that I got to sleep in and then woke up to monkeys jumping on the bed. We spent a good hour just being there, in the moment and giggling and playing, just the four of us. It was after that that it all kind of hit me and I looked back on the moment thinking "this right here, these are the moments I live for". Things can't be perfect always but for a short time, everything was right in the world and we are happy. I think it totally set the tone for today and made me really think and feel....

I've spent a lot of time worrying about how the holidays would impact me this year, and while I admit I did have a few minutes of anxiety which felt like an attack coming on, I was able to push past in and realize that I am here and in this wonderful moment and it feels, amazing.

Sure we didn't spend our day with family or friends but it was perfect just the way it was. And for that I am greatful.

Breaking the Silence

I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I've blogged about anything. Needless to say a lot has happened over that course of time.

Last year, just before the holidays, things got a little sour here in our house. First there were some major things going on in our relationship, which led us to couples therapy. Let me just tell you, that was the greatest thing I think we ever did for US.

After things settled down there, I personally began to go through a very dark time. And then, the panic attacks began.

Most people who know me probably know that I have this somewhat seemingly irrational fear of death/dying. And suddenly it was like everywhere I looked someone else was dying around me. Celebrities, mutual friends, someone in the news, in the community. And well, I freaked.

I'm not afraid to say it now. I was paranoid that I would be next. That I would leave this earth and leave behind my husband and my two precious babies. Or even worse, I'd loose them.

When my anxiety first spiked, I itched from head to toe. Then one day I was on the treadmill at the gym and couldn't catch my breath. I know now that was my first panic attack. Time went on and I kept trying to just, forget about it, but my triggers kept popping up everywhere.

One night I was getting ready for bed and the underside of my arm started itching and I lost it. In exactly 2.5 seconds I had myself convinced that I was dying of cancer. Why? Well because my dad died of cancer and job long before he died he broke out in this rash from head to toe and he was constantly scratching at his arms. So sure that meant I had cancer and was dying too.

This was after a terrible and very very real feeling nightmare that my hubby had been killed in a work accident.

Long story short, I ended up having a mental breakdown and spent the better part of 2 or 3 weeks hopped up on Xanax and literally lying either in bed or on the couch drifting in and out of sleep. For three weeks I was a zombie and completely relied on the help of family and God to watch over Addison and Blake.

Christmas? We went to Christmas Eve service where I spoke with out Pastor who prayed for so hard for us and then spent the rest of the service sobbing in my seat. I came home, we read "The Night Before Christmas" to the kids and everyone went to bed. The next day I felt very somber as we opened gifts at home, and then we went to visit family... where I promptly fell asleep on the couch right in the middle of it all.

If you know me at all you would know this is so totally out of character for me. I am just constantly plowing forward and moving on.

I followed up with a new doctor. We changed meds and suddenly around New Years Day I started to come out of the fog that I felt like I had been living in. It was such a slow process for me to get back on my feet and feel "normal" again.

Now a year later, I have learned a lot. About myself. About my anxiety. About my family. And about people around me.

I learned that at some point my body and mind were just exhausted from every.little.thing. that had been thrown our way over nearly eight years we have been married. And my anxiety is my body's overreaction to stress.

I racked my brain for months in therapy, not understandin why, at a point when things were mostly calm, did all this happen. And I learned, it was because for the first time since we found out I was pregnant, I was able breath, relax and process what had happened. That's when reality sunk in.

I could have died. I could have gotten an infection from being ruptured for so long and died. While trying to protect our children and keep them inside as long as possible, I.could.have.died.

We could have lost one or both of our babies. We came very close on several occasions to nearly loosing Addison.

I lived through some, a bit mild, PTSD as I came to terms with all that had happened.

I had to learn to let go of the guilt. Guilt about what could I have done different. Was it some how my fault? Every emotion I felt back in the NICU came back full force. Like I was living it all over again.

Guilt over taking time for myself, ever. After a solid three years of meeting Addison and Blake's every need. Working so tirelessly to get Addison to safely enjoy eating food. The hours, weeks, months, years of therapy. Where was there time for me?

Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of people who offered to help. But Hubs and I? Well felt it was our cross and ours alone to bear. And there was no way we could risk any of the horror stories happened if we went anywhere and heaven forbid there was an emergancy (mainly with A and her feeding tube). At the end of the day, I was utterly convinced that I was the only other person who could handle her needs. Was I wrong? Probably, but I also viewed it as a short term...thing...and I was bound and determined to see her through it.

Now, I know and understand the importance of being able to have even just five minutes to myself. To just, breathe.

And I've learned to ask for help when I need it.

I've learned to manage my anxiety so much better, and the attacks when they happen.

Now, I take a pill a day and attend therapy weekly to work on myself and learn how to continue to cope. Some day, we may try a different approach, and stop the medicine, but I'm not there yet, I may never be. And I'm ok with that.

Looking back I could probably say "could have, would have, should have"... but instead I'll say this, I'm beyond thankful for where I am right this minute. And even more thankful for all those who stood by me and continue to support me.

As we approach the time of year again where things all went south, I wanted to take the time to speak up and speak out. Because I know I am not alone. And I hope someone out there comes across this and reads it, and realizes they aren't alone either. Not just that, but because I've learned silence is not the answer. If I am silent, then the people around me don't know how to help. Most times during an attack, I just need time and space. And usually after, I need a little reassurance and maybe a hug. ;)

I'm also working extra diligently to make sure I find some kind of small time for myself and hoping that the same thing doesn't happen again this year. I'm learning to cope with that worry and fear as I continue to me strong for my family.

So if you see me and I somehow seem different. It's because I am. I've cut out sstressor and triggers wherever I can. Because now, now it's time to do for ME.

Long Overdue Update

So yeah, I used to do this thing called 'blogging' a lot. And then somethings happened and well, some sacrifices had to be made and things got neglected. This blog being one of them. I doubt I'll ever stop blogging completely but the fact of the matter is that...it will come in waves, as it always has. Now that we got that out of the way, lets talk about those two little kiddos that I know ya'll adore.

You might remember me saying awhile back that sometime in Nov. Miss Addison would have to sit for an evaluation to determine if she qualified for the transition into Early Intervention's Preschool Program (not the same preschool that she's been attending once a week with Blake). Well we had that eval and ... SHE NO LONGER QUALIFIES FOR ANY EARLY INTERVENTION SERVICES!!!! After 2.5 years of therapy anywhere from once to three or more times a week, we are done. That chapter is closed.

The evaluators could not say enough positive things about her development. We've once again been reminded that we are one of the lucky ones. Addison falls developmental in line with the average peers her age! This is so huge for us. They told us that it is nothing short of remarkable given her history that she is doing so well. They would have never expected it. A miracle indeed.

I admit it. I teared up. It's bittersweet and a very proud moment.

They are both talking up a storm and I gotta admit, I am a whole lot scared that my children are going to be way smarter then I am. Don't get me wrong, that's a great thing and honestly I can only hope they are, but it worries me. Because of the fact that they will (and maybe already have) out smart me and always have one up on me. The things that come out of their mouths have left me very speechless on a number of occasions.

We're also still in the terrible 2's or almost 3's, but we're hanging in there. Naps are scarce, when it happens it's either in the car or they pass out on the couch while watching Mickey.

Look forward to some Christmas festivities coming up soon, and more on what's been going on with us. <3

World Prematurity Awareness Day

I have not forgotten. I will never forget.

We are 1 in 8. 

By now if you know me, the hubs, have met the twins, our family or read this blog; you know I am the proud mommy of 26 weekers who are nearly 3 years old. 

Our story really began 3 years ago this month when just days before my birthday I had a terrible bleeding scare that earned my first bed rest stint. Gradually nearest was lifted to just moderate activities, things were going great and then my water broke with Lady A at just 20 weeks gestation. Thankfully we got 6 more weeks of bed rest before my preemies entered the world. 

The past three years have been a lot of things. I've met a lot of other moms who have "been there" and shared our story a million times. I will never forget how prematurity has impacted our life.

I encourage you to help raise awareness by sharing this blog, sharing any of the March of Dimes data and most of all, educating yourself and others about preemies. Together we can all make a difference. 

Sleep...of Lack There Of

When the twins were newly home from the NICU we went through a pretty rough patch of sleepless nights. At that time there were a lot of factors that played in to this, one of which being the space that wasn't quiet their own "room". Our bathroom was practically IN their room and well when Daddy came home from work late at night (or had to get up for work super early) inadvertently they'd wake. They also would often actually give me a run for my money when it would come to just getting them down to sleep at the beginning of the night. I tried a lot of different things to make it better. Keep in mind I also had one baby tied to a feeding pump all night too, which was a challenge in itself.

I remember being so torn because as I sat and rocked Blake she might cry out yet the power cord and the tubing wouldn't reach to the rocker so I could rock them both at once. Or I'd be rocking her and Blake would wake up. (It's actually quiet challenging trying to get one baby asleep while the other screams their head off. Add to that that most nights I was flying solo.) And I had these big dreams of rocking babies to sleep every night while we cuddled close as they drank their bedtime bottle. It was nothing like I envisioned at all.

Oh how I remember these late night parties that Blake used to have every night at midnight. He'd babble and coo and smile for what seemed like hours. As long as he wasn't in his crib. Then he'd scream.

In the end we decided to sleep train, in a very relaxed way. It worked after just a few nights, and we never looked back. Since then we've moved (twice but who's counting), and even those first few nights in a new place did not make a darn bit of difference. Heck they even slept in hotels like it was their home! During those early days we had bought a sound machine which helped them sleep through the night, and when it broke or someone forgot to turn it on they didn't notice.

And then... we transitioned to toddler beds. Aside from a few night terrors up until this point at almost 2.5 years old, they literally slept through the night and willingly went to bed/nap. Now all bets were off. Since the toddler bed transition, I'd say that 3 out of 7 nights a week we end up with someone in our bed, usually Addison. We've tried being firm, putting her back in her bed over and over, rocking, cuddles, massages, offering water, anything else we think of at 2 am. Sometimes it works, other times she'll sleep with us for a bit and then we can get her back in her bed, and then sometimes, she stays in our bed until it's time to wake up.

It's in those moments when she's laying cuddled flush against me, I am sweating bullets, and she kicks me in her sleep again; that I am reminded that there once was a time when she didn't want to be held. Or when Blake is making this noise he makes when he sleeps (sounds like "round and round and round" with his fingers in his mouth) and I cannot sleep, I remember all the nights he slept in the hospital "alone". And well - I am ok with it. Because ya know what? In the end there will one day be a day when they won't want to cuddle anymore. And for each night of sleeplessness, there are mornings filled with footsteps down the hall and an excited "Good Morning Mommy" followed by cuddles and a cartoon or two. It's worth it.But boy oh boy do I miss consistent sleep.

Preschool Part 2

Today Addison and Blake started preschool through the program I briefly mentioned in my last post about what we'd be doing here. We decided that it would probably be very beneficial to get them into preschool now so that IF Addison qualifies or come time for the next phase of preschool it won't be such a shock for them both. So - they are now going to preschool one day a week for two hours. Probably doesn't seem like much, but it's the structure that they both need and will benefit from as well as the interaction with other children. It's a 'non exclusive' preschool meaning while it is affiliated with the Early Intervention system it's not only for EI kids. (AKA Blake can be there too). Eventually they will increase to two days a week (or more) though that won't be until closer to age 3.

Their morning started promptly at 8 am with breakfast in bed.

Blake was so excited that he wanted his "jacket on NOW" and didn't care that he was still in pjs.

Finally we are all ready. (They wouldn't hold the sign for me though - stinkers!) And Blake was less then amused.

They thought they were so funny, haha. Determined I wouldn't get a good picture for this big occasion.

Mommy & Us.

Daddy & Us. So glad he was able to see them off on their first day. (Addison wanted to kneel down like he was).

We lost the jacket vests. It was a little warm - waiting to go in to school.

Another funny shot for mommy!

Her smile here kills me. Seriously. I love these two.

They came home from preschool, requested some yogurt to eat and then promptly said "Nap now". Off to nap they went and slept from 12:10 to 3:00pm! WHOA! Apparently they were worn out from their big day.


Yogurt mess. LOL.

And then the afternoon shenanigans began.

All in all they did fabulous. They had never so much as stepped foot inside this place until today, but they walked right in to their classroom and began playing. No goodbyes, no tears, not so much as a look back at us. Just like that - they were off. Really I couldn't be more proud, but I admit; I choked back some tears several times after I dropped them off. I still cannot believe that here we are. A moment we weren't sure we'd get to have.

I felt foolish because really this isn't nearly as big of a deal as what 3 y/o preschool will be, or kindergarten - you name it. But for us it IS a big deal. It's a big leap. A moment we won't take for granted. I cannot wait to see how much they grow with this new experience. 

Mommy Guilt

Tuesday I got the opportunity to take some time out for myself and spend the day at the county fair, followed by a concert at the fair grounds that evening. I was pretty excited, not only to be spending the day with one of my closest friends (J) but also to be seeing Florida Georgia Line live.

(Never heard of them? Try checking out their smash hit Cruise, personally I prefer the remix with Nelly, but the original is pretty good too. Or even Get Your Shine On a song written about actually drinking moonshine, if you haven't figured it out yet - their a mostly country "crossover" band.)

Their opening act was Colt Ford - 

Who I admit I hadn't heard a whole lot of. But turns out that he's actually wrote and demo-ed some pretty big hits for some big stars. (Ever heard of Dirt Road Anthem? Yeah he wrote that.) 

He was pretty good too, think a mix of Hank Williams meets Kid Rock with a large side of redneck and chicken & biscuits (yes he actually wrote a song called Chicken & Biscuits). 

So anyway I imagine you are thinking "what does this have to do with Mommy guilt?" Well here's the thing. I left before nap time on Tuesday, and by the time I got home they were in bed. For the very first time since they came home from the NICU - I spent nearly twelve whole hours away from them. It was also the first time that hubby had to fly solo for that long. I wasn't worried about how he'd handle it, though I did feel a little sorry for him when this - 

happened just before I left. To be honest she was in rare form from the time she woke up. I knew hubby would have his hands full! 

I also worried about how A & B would react once I actually left and the realized I wasn't going to be gone for just a few minutes. I imagined based on their track record that they would be fine until nap time when they woke up and I wasn't there, I was concerned they would be upset. I was right. I got a call just after nap time from a distraught Addison who just needed to hear mommy's voice. But hubby handled it like a pro. She got to talk to me and then he distracted them and they soon forgot all about me again. 

In the meantime, here I am sort of "living it up" at the fair and all I could think every time we'd pass a kiddie ride was "oh Addison would have loved that" and "would Blake get on the helicopter ride?" Needless to say I think I'll be taking my favorite boy and girl to the fair before the weekend so they can enjoy it too! 

I had fleeting moments where I felt like I should still be at home with the kiddos. But overall - it was so nice to have some time to myself and get to be ME for awhile, instead of mommy and (J) did a great job of making me enjoy myself. Haha. She had me on nearly every ride you could think of, it was a blast.

And then, I came home. I was just cuddling into bed when Addison woke up crying. She was actually crying for her daddy but since he was asleep and had to return to work the next day, I went I get her. The minute she laid eyes on me she sobbed about "I love you momma, I missed you. I need you momma" and my heart nearly broke in two. Me thinks she has learned how to play the guilt card early.

I do think its important for us moms to take some time for ourselves though. Not just for our own sanity, but for the sake of our children. I think this is especially important if you are a stay at home mom and you little ones aren't used to being left in anyone else's care. Speaking from experience here - my mom was a working mom and other then spending time with my grandmother while she worked, I rarely spent any time away from my mom and dad. And when I did, I had a terrible time adjusting. (Just ask my Godmommy who had to cope with a sobbing "way to old to be crying like a baby" kid.) 

And not just time for ourselves but time as husband and wife as well. To nurture that relationship too, which is probably one of the hardest things to remember to do, especially as "new" parents. 

For now though, I am going to go back to cuddling with my babies who are making up for lost time by sticking to be like glue. 

What do you do to make time for you and/or your relationship with your spouse/partner?

Disclaimer: The views expressed are my own. I have not been compensated in anyway. I even had to pay for my own ticket to both the fair and the concert. It was however, money well spent.

Remembering September 11 2001

I haven't forgotten where I was on that fateful day. It was my sophomore year of high school, I walked in to my science class and sat down when my classmate who sat in front of me turned around to tell me what had happened. It made no sense and none of us could wrap our heads around it. There were a lot of reports about other events besides just the plans hitting the towers. Threats that made me wonder if my own parents were safe. 

My mom works for a state department and my dad often traveled to DC and VA for work, could he have been caught in this mess? 

Absolute terror was all I felt. 

Eventually I was able to get to the office and get a hold of my mom, she was ok. I don't believe we knew where my dad was at that point. The rest of the events from that point until we were all home together were a blur. 

I remember watching the news and footage over and over. Unsure if these was "the end" of the what we learned were terrorist attacks or just the beginning. Watching the President declaring war against whoever had done this. 

We all slept in the living room together for several days. My mom and dad, didn't go to work for a few days as job sites were locked down. We were grateful to just be together. Alive. So many others were not. 

Later my dad told us he was doing repairs at our areas largest newspaper building. He recapped the mass chaos, people running around, newspaper prints flying it sounded almost as if it were something out of a cartoon - except it wasn't. It was real.

Our nation pulled together strangers helped strangers. We were all changed. So many lost their lives. So many signed up to fight for our country, our freedom, and against these terrorists. So many of those people died in this war. Classmates, neighbors, friends of friends, "kids" my age. 

Several years later, as an adult, I had a chance to visit NY. It was about the time they had just began to break ground on the memorial. The skyline looked so empty, still. A gaping hole where the towers once stood. Standing on that sacred ground, you could feel the emotions, it was like you could see the blood shed and feel the connection who those who never left there.

And now today, 12 years late, I wonder if my children will ever understand the gravity of what happened this day. I never far thought that there may have been an event in my lifetime that would make it to history books. Something they will learn about in school and come how and ask me if I remember. 

I just hope I can do them justice in explaining it in a way they truly understand. I hope they understand the sacrifice that our armed forces make to ensure this won't happen again. But reality is, I can't promise it won't happen again. Chances are they may very well experience something as catastrophic as the events that day. And if heaven forbid they do, I pray I can help them understand and cope.   

Does It Get Easier?

Does being a preemie/NICU/special needs parent ever get easier?

I had to ask myself this today after reading a comment on a FB support group for past/present NICU parents. There was a very heart wrenching question posted by a family member concerning a very ill preemie with a lot of similarities to my sweet lady Addison. I held off on saying anything initially because even giving all the similarities the situation was different and I wasn't sure how to go about this delicate situation. I did follow the thread while I thought of how I could explain Addison's story and offer some resources for this person. It was the response before mine that shook me to the core. 

Another twin mom lost one of her sons at 10.5 months old. TEN AND A HALF MONTHS OLD! He never left the NICU, it was the only home he ever knew. My heartaches for the mom and her family. And in an instant I was taken right back to our time in the NICU making tough choices for Addison. 

I had to ask myself, if it ever gets easier. Does it get better? Will I ever "get over it"? And by "it" I mean the experience itself, the having babies 14 weeks early, watching them fight for their life and all that a came after; that "IT". I don't know that I will ever "get over it" in the sense that I'll forget what happened or certain things won't remind me of some of/any of those moments. But I do know, time has helped me heal - a little.

Day to day is easier. The worry lessens just a little. But the fact is, I cannot erase history. It's our story. I cannot imagine forgetting where Addison and Blake started or how far they have come. As days go on though my focus has changed from focusing on how close we've come to loosing them both to focusing on just how amazing of a miracle we've witnessed. The thought of another pregnancy or NICU experience still scares me - my scars run deep there - likely as deep as my physical scars from my c-section. And sure there are things that can take me back and unleash those raw emotions, and sometimes I need to cry it out. Other times, I may just need a deep breath and cover A & B in hugs and kisses to know "it's all ok".

I can say that even though their birth was one of the scariest moments in my life, it was also the greatest. And perhaps the happiest (though that might have been all the pain meds talking).

Sometimes I wish I knew why we were one of the "lucky" ones and why so many others had to endure such pain. (Sometimes I often wonder if we'd get so lucky again.) I pray one day that "why" can be replaced with life and hope. The hope that one day we can end prematurity and save more of these amazing little heroes - that those survivors live a full life after the NICU. For me, part of healing has been found in advocating, raising awareness and supporting others.

So to those families still in the thick of the NICU, the days are long (and hard). It's worth it no doubt. And it does get just a little easier as time goes on. Reach out to those around you, those that have went before you and when you're ready - support those who will no doubt come after you. 

Being a Preemie Mom

Did it change me? Would I be any different (as a mom) then I am today?

I don't know for sure. In my heart I feel like I would have always remembered to live in the moment and cherish their childhood. Perhaps it was the solemn vow I took as a women battling Infertility in my early 20's, who watched countless parents neglect their children, that changed me.

I'll never know because this is the only life I've known. I don't have older children that weren't preemies to say I parented them differently before A & B came along. What I do know is that I am giving this my very best shot.

And perhaps for me there are things that seem HUGE that well frankly aren't HUGE to anyone else. Yes some of that I do know comes from the preemie mom in me. Watching a little one pounder in an incubator fight for life and wonder "will they or walk or talk, go to school or ride a bike". We knew the statistics, we
were aware of how different things could be. So to see them do "simple" things just blows me away.

In the last two weeks alone I have been reminded a thousand times over of the two miracles we have been trusted with. From Blake totally acing a developmental eval. To the simply amazing growth, development wise, that Addison has shown. It wasn't all that long ago that we had concerns about her attention span (or lack there of) and her "safety awareness" (otherwise known as "I shouldn't jump from the top of the playground with no one to catch me). And now? Well she sat through an entire movie in a movie theater, she will sit through a short book and stick with a puzzle or craft for more then 2 seconds and is easily drawn back in.

For lack of a better phrase, she seems to be acting more and more age appropriate. Which is what the hope was for her, hence why we are still in 3 different therapies 1-2 times a week. She is becoming more and more determined to accomplish difficult tasks instead of just walking away like she has been known to do in the past. 

I stood in amazement at the park while she climbed a ladder to reach the top of the structure and swung from monkey bars. She walked a balance beam and chased after her PT like you wouldn't believe. Just a few short months ago we had concerns about her balance and she couldn't take many steps without stumbling and falling.

We've been in speech/special instruction for nearly a year. Sometimes we have to consciously encourage Addison to use her "big girl words" and use more then two word phrases. Then nights like tonight, she tells me "Goodnight. Love you to moon and back." I know we're moving in the right direction.

She has her "big girl" eval coming up in October and I am interested to see how the gap between her developmental skills and age has narrowed. This might actually be the first one that I walk away from without feeling completely defeated or hopeless. 

And Blake, well he proves to be a great role model for his sister. She loves to do the things he does and he encourages her (always has) to "aim high". Though sometimes this gets them into a little mischief. I love how helpful he is, and how much he enjoys doing "chores". Now I just hope he remembers how much he loves to do laundry when he is oh say about 13 ;)

All of this just blows me away and overwhelms my heart (in a positive way) daily. There is always a constant reminder that we are blessed beyond measure. And I couldn't be more proud.

Wordless Wednesday

It's been awhile but I thought our adoring fans would appreciate a glimpse at these cuties again... 

Addison loves making faces in my camera phone. I usually end up laughing at her selfies.

She also likes to encourage me to do leg lifts "Up, Down" she tells me. 

Blake has taken over my iPad. He enjoys playing Bloons and looking thru the pictures. Clearly it makes him very happy.

Again with the funny faces. I love this one.

Daddy teaching Blake to hit a baseball. He caught on quick. "Put the ball on the t and swing."

He's been so smiley lately. 

Mommy's boy.

She thinks she is just so adorable (because she is!) But here she was singing.

We're all still here and doing well. Summer is coming to a close and life should be returning to the cool weather usual.

Fitness Friday

I am super duper tired tonight, so this is gonna be short and then I am going to curl up and enjoy this cool fall like night air. If you notice drool on the screen, its mine, just wipe it off :p

Weigh in this morning and I am down 2.6 this week. So excited about that and I was super worried because this week hasn't been all that great. I've been trying to be super careful about what I am eating but haven't made it to the gym. I have, however, managed to keep busy around the house as well as getting out and enjoying this taste of cooler weather we are having. I still just didn't feel like I was truly working for it, but I did something right I apparently.

Looking forward to getting back to the gym on Sunday. (Maybe even tomorrow if I can sneak away from the kiddos while my mom is in town.)

And with that - I am off to bed at 10pm on a Friday. Living the dream right here. Goodnight and happy Friday night.