Infertility...

I don't believe I ever actually shared this part of "our beginning", in detail anyway. So I'll do it now. (Fair warning this will probably be more then anything you ever wanted to know about your son (son-in law) and daughter (daughter-in law), you've been warned and are encouraged to stop read now lol. However you may find it highly informative, so read at your own risk).

We got married April 7, 2007 and started TTC (trying to conceive), ok well actually playing the "let's just see what happens" game. (To me TTC is more like timing things, temping, all that stuff). I was convinced that I'd just stop taking birth control pills and it would happen, that is what happens right? Little did I know it would take so much more.

A few months went by, we had some tragic family events come up and once things settled we decided that since "see what happens" hadn't "happened" we'd get a little more in tune with things. I read some stuff about all the things you should/could do to help things along and we tried. Months went by where I'd think "Could I be, I might be, am I?", only to be discouraged by a very late cycle or negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. I went to the doctor. The first OB/GYN I saw (ironically later became my OB when I finally got PG and delivered A & B) wanted to take a wait and see approach. He thought we were young enough, and had plenty of time, everything appeared normal, except some weird cycles and he believed if we waited there was a chance my body would get it together. At the same time I was working for a GYN who more then once ordered a blood pregnancy test for me because things were so out of sorts and I just had to be sure. Finally, one day he spoke up and asked more. I am forever grateful.

He ordered more blood work and diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). My "current" OB still wanted to wait. The other, gave me knowledge, power, insight, and offered a solution. I switched OB's, started a pill called Clomid and we tried, again and again, for months. Nothing happened, ok well something happened. I ovulated, but nothing else happened. It was Jake's turn to be poked and prodded. We waited, took a break, explored options. My OB said he could get things started on Jake but obviously couldn't treat anything related to him and made more reccomendations, one specifically, "Go to Shady Grove Fertility and start treatment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist)." At the time our insurance didn't cover much past what we had already tried so things went on the back burner.

Sometime in the beginning of 2010 I finally made our first appointment at Shady Grove, after wasting a year with another RE who basically sucked. Nothing like sitting in the waiting room at the RE's office and starring at a visibly pregnant woman and then later listening to the sound of her child's heartbeat echo out into the hall where I waited...waited for answers and my time to be a mother. An RE should never really share an office with an OB, it's sort of sucky for those other patients, no matter how happy I could be for everyone else there was still heartache there for me. Shady Grove was so very different. From the staff to the environment, it was all just...different... and better. I felt like it could actually happen for us finally. I learned we'd have to have a lot more tests done before we could even get started, and then right in the middle Jake changed jobs, which ended up being a huge blessing because of their Infertility coverage, to say it dramatically lowered our out of pocket costs would be an understatement. His new job also gave us the opportunity to pursue IVF, which would not have happened otherwise. Many people have success with IUI, but our RE felt given our history, age and other factors it would be safest to do IVF and reduce the risk of multiples.

It took 8 months from start from that first visit until we made it to our first IVF cycle. The irony in this process? I had to go on BCP (birth control pills) to prep my body...TO GET PREGNANT!  Oh and I also had to loose about 20 pounds. The week before our cycle was to begin I was still up 5 pounds... I went to the gym every.single.day. and ate as many low calorie foods as I could. I probably was the healthiest I have ever been in my entire life prior to getting pregnant. The irony in that? After my egg transfer I was on modified bed rest and encouraged to avoid any exercise other then some easy walking until our 6 week u/s. All that working out and then I couldn't for 6 long weeks.

The in between - I was on two shots twice a day then three shots, I went for monitoring every other day for a few days, then everyday for a week or so. Looking back I wish I had been a blogger back then (or at the least kept a journal), but I didn't. Either way I do vividly remembering writing in my planner about watching the sun rise in morning traffic on way way to monitoring appointments and how peaceful it was. I recall bits and pieces of details throughout. They seem like a distant memory now.

Once they felt like I had decent sized follicles, they scheduled me for the egg retrieval (follicles are retrieved and are mixed in a pee-tree dish with "the boys" <--- medically correct I know, lol) and gave me protocol to follow after that (which included Progesterone suppositories OH WHAT FUN). I also had to take a trigger shot...which had to be done at a very specific time...which happened to be, at the same time as kickoff for a Ravens game we had tickets too. The RE's office marked the area that we needed to inject that final shot into, my brave husband was terrified and couldn't perform (get your mind out of the gutter, he is terrified of needles and was shaking to bad to attempt it). So ladies, I stood in the MedStar First Aid booth, they pulled a curtain and a Medical Assistant who I had never even met prior to this event, "pulled the trigger" pun intended.

Let me just say, there was absolutely nothing glamorous about this. Nothing at all. Nothing "normal" about this. On Monday morning I was in the RE's office and prepped for the procedure, I remember none of it, including the nice shot of HCG (yes the pregnancy hormone) that I got. I know I felt that later though. They retrieved 12 follicles on Day 1 - 9 had fertilized, Day 2 - only 8 remained and so it went... Day 3 - We had 4  (or maybe it was 6, I don't recall) embryos 2 A's 2 B's (A= best quality, B= decent quality), we were planning to transfer that day but our RE recommended we wait until Day 5 in hopes that one of the embryos would pull ahead and he could make his best reccomendation on which embryo to transfer. He had one rule, we could transfer no more then 2 embryos. He was that confident. So we had two more days to decide, contemplate, hesitate. Day 5 arrived, we went back to the RE's office. By this point I craved some normalcy and Jake and I had a running joke about a "conception song" (Ya know all those stories about "Oh we had few drinks, a song came on and next thing you know here was little Jake...ok ok cheesy but play along), and I had brought my iPod with me. This was Labor Day weekend, we planned a getaway for that weekend so I truly could focus and relax.

The RE brought us our Fert Report. Still 2 beautiful 8 cell A quality embryos and 2 B's. There was no option in our mind. We'd put back two. Our best two. I laid back on the table, turned on my iPod - Chris Young's "Gettin' You Home" played and we watched a small flicker on the screen as those two embryos where put in place. I had to lay there for some ridiculous amount of time (with a full bladder at that) and then it was over. The RE came back in with a picture for us. A snapshot of our two embies... The two that later became Addison and Blake. A snapshot of life the moment it began.

I would return in 10 days for a blood test to find out if it all worked. At the same time they shared the news that those other two embryos (the B's) didn't make it... they had planned to wait 2 more days and then freeze them. Those 2 embryos arrested the next day. Only the two we transferred survived.

It was (what I thought would be) the longest 10 days of my life (hello 153 days in the NICU) and I couldn't wait. So I cheated a little. I bought several dollars worth of tests and started testing at home on 4 days after our egg transfer (a Wednesday) it was negative. I fought hard not be disappointed. And promised myself I wouldn't test again. I broke that promise 2 days later, 7 days after our egg transfer (a Saturday) and it was positive. It would be another month before we'd know it was twins (10/13/10) to be exact. Nothing can explain the joy felt that day.

It was an emotional and sometimes terrifying ride. There were days we felt hopeless, and alone. I'd be lying if I said it didn't take it's toll on our marriage in some form. Something what was meant to be so natural, romantic and spontaneous; suddenly became about timing and schedules and precision. We pulled ourselves together and pulled closer together because of it, in the end. And just when we thought things were "better", we had healed and recovered, we were slapped in the face with two preemies who rocked our world and tested our faith all over again.

Despite it all, we don't regret a single moment of it all. Don't get me wrong, I questioned it...maybe we weren't meant to be parents. Were we tempting fate by going against the "normal", was God against IVF, would we be punished because of it? I have accepted this is "our normal" and I am beyond thankful for it. I've had to put my faith in medicine and accept the fact that God made man and gave man the power to do these miraculous things. To perform His work, His work of miracles. And most importantly, that Addison and Blake are indeed our meant-to-be's. From 12 to 2...nothing would stand in their way. Our fighters since the beginning.

And that adoring fans, is our story. I hope that by sharing our story, someone out there will benefit from it. That it will give them a voice, courage and inspiration and most important, let them know they are not alone. Infertility doesn't have to be a dirty secret.

(For more information about Infertility and Support visit Resolve or Shady Grove Fertility )

Weight Check...

Day 48 without a tube feeding...36 days since her last Ped visit/weight check and.............drumroll................

SHE WEIGHS 23.1 LBS!!!!!!! SHE HAS GAINED A HALF A POUND SINCE 11/27!!!!!!!!

The Ped was beaming from ear to ear and told her "Sweet girl you are simply doing amazing, and I am so proud of how far you have come. You are really doing great!"

This is huge... HUGE. Our 1 lb 10oz baby girl who has been tube fed most of her life, hasn't had a tube feeding in 48 days and has gained a half a pound. Amazing miracle I tell ya!

I have been so stressed and so worried about it, and once again Addison has proven that she is defying the odds. I am simply amazed. Hard to believe that in exactly 42 days (not that I am counting) these amazing twins will be 2!!!!!!!!

And now for your viewing pleasure I leave you with a picture of the princess herself, driving in her Cozy Coupe this morning... Which by the way, she now informs me "Things do, back later" and drives off across the living room.

My Cozy Princess. Can you stand the cuteness?

Praying for a Miracle.

Ok... so I've taken a day to pull myself together, because lets face it when it comes to my babies I am a hot mess. Now...that being said, I know the power of prayer first hand, I believe in miracles, and I know how amazingly strong my friends and family are. So I am asking everyone to pray for a miracle for Addison. (EVERYTHING IS OK)... We met with the Ped Optho yesterday and found out that Addi...

son has a Congenital eye problem that is causing her left eye to roll inward toward her nose. Most of you will probably don't even notice it, I admit I hadn't really either, but the Ped picked up on it right away and sent us to the specialist.

The doc is 99.9% sure that she will need surgery for this in the near future. It's minor surgery but surgery, anesthisia, and a ventilator...all the things you know this momma right here hates and fears.

So my prayer request is simple. Pray for an amazing miracle and that Addison can avoid surgery. Crazier and more amazing things have happened to us, to her, so this isnt so far fetched. And I realize there are a million and one more pressing things to pray about but, can I count on you (my family and friends) to pray for Addison?

 

I cannot even begin to explain to you how terrifing the thought of another surgery for her is to me. I know she is a trooper and so very tough, but I hate seeing her in pain, I hate that she has to go thru this. I pray we can avoid it. And I pray that she will understand in the future that every choice we made for her was truly made with her very best interest at heart and made to improve her quality of life.

I never knew that loving my children would hurt this much. That truly is how much I love them, it makes my heartache sometimes. Especially times like this. I cannot imagine how a child so small can endure all she has with a smile on her face. She truly is my motivation, inspiration and I couldn't be more proud.

What a weekend...

This weekend was pretty nice and probably one of the best so far, why? Because we've had Jake for two whole days. We spent part of the day yesterday frolicking around town and hitting up a few stores looking for supplies I needed to help the twins with a special project. We also (gasp!) bought our first Christmas gift for the twins today, it was too good of a deal to pass up.

Here is an out take from our shopping trip...

This is what Daddy and Blake get in to in the toy department!


Today was extra busy too, we went to a service for one of my friends from high school (C), C's father passed away suddenly Friday night. I am all to familiar with that pain and wanted to be there for her.

After that we came home to get dinner together and wait for Grammy and Pop to arrive. Today is Grammy's birthday and Blake and Addison made her an extra special gift. (This would be what we needed supplies for lol.) Take a peek at what we worked on...

That's not the "finished" product but close to it. We let it set over night to dry and harden, but it's a garden stone for Grammy's Garden. Addison and Blake are talented aren't they?

And of course, this has become the staple in this house... A birthday photo for the special birthday person...

As they get bigger it's getting harder to keep them still and keep them from ripping the paper to shreds lol. This is one of the best pictures I could get.

Wanna know the coolest part of Grammy's birthday? The suprise she had for Addison and Blake! Grammy said she asked for a sliding board for her grandbabies...that's what she wanted for her birthday. Blake is a little scared of it, but nothing holds back dare devil Addison. I'll have to grab some pictures of them sliding soon!

And last but certainly not least... We got a heck of a rain storm in the middle of dinner. After dinner Pop took Blake outside for a walk and to look at some the cars... He poked his head back in to tell us there was a rainbow... How peaceful right? God's promise to us. Addison & Blake's first rainbow.

"If you only know what the future holds, After a hurricane rainstorm, comes a rainbow."

Remembering where we came from...

Today I decided it was time for a long over due visit to the NICU. Recently the hospital where I delivered the twins underwent some major renovations and the NICU was moved in to the "new" building and completely remodeled. When the twins were in the NICU it was "pod" style, one open room with beds along the walls all the way around. Now they have private rooms, including two "twin rooms". They just recently transitioned and we had been just waiting until things were settled to stop by and visit (and check out the new digs).

The new unit is absolutely gorgeous. There is a nice pleasant waiting room before you enter, and a view of The Mother's Garden. It was nice to see all the great nurses and NP's again and they were very excited to see the twins. They also got a good laugh and got to "aw" over Blake... The phone rang in the unit and Blake turned around and said "Helwoah", they melted. ;)  Once our visit was over we walked out to The Mother's Garden to take a pic and we also tossed in two pennies and made a wish for healthy NICU babies. I am glad we took the time to do that, because as soon as we came back in we bumped in to Dr. D. the NEO who was in the OR with me and on Addison's team. She also cared for them both for a good portion of their NICU stay. She saw the ugly and the good during their stay.

I will forever be grateful for the amazing miracles the medical team there did for us and they will always hold a place in our hearts.

It's hard to believe how little they were a year ago... I found this picture when I was flipping through the memory card on my camera... Too cute right?

And here's one from tonight, they really love their chairs.

Ignore the silly faces, they hate the flash.


Lately we've been spending some time coloring. It's a good fine motor exercise and they seem to enjoy it, so I was excited to buy them their first coloring books. (Note: we are still working on coloring in the lines. LOL)

And here they are showing off their work...

Blake got a little carried away and attempted to eat crayons drew on his mouth. He's thinking ("Great mom, blog this picture, it's gonna come back to haunt me one day...sigh").

I am sure I'll have lots more for you after this weekend... We've got Daddy all weekend for the first time all summer...TWO WHOLE DAYS...whatever will we do?!?!

Milestone Monday...

What's New:

Blake now knows "Thank You" and he is putting words together like "More Cookies" or "More Milk" , he is also walking ALOT more. He can do the distance from the door to car without my help.

Addison is starting to say more words, consistantly. Eating has been pretty hit or miss. Today she also had part of her Early Intervention Eval....it did not go nearly as well as I hoped. I admit, I let it get me down. She is currently 17 1/2 months (actual)  / 14 1/2 (adjusted) she is measuring at 11-12 months in fine motor skills. (Fine motor skill is the coordination of small muscle movements which occur in body parts such as the fingers, usually in coordination with the eyes. In relation to motor skills of hands and fingers, the term dexterity is commonly used. / Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fine_motor_skill).

Looking at her adjusted age, it's not that far off, it's not even "that bad" for her actual age. But looking at her actual age, it's a tough pill to swallow. It's hard not to compare her to Blake and looking at her side by side with him, I don't see where she is that far behind him. At the end of the day, it's one person's view on her development and, heck it's a lot better then what we thought we were looking at. AND let's not forget, she has continued to grow and develop which is HUGE. I mean hello, let me remember this is my baby who wasn't supposed to make it! And she did... and she is THRIVING, and closing the gap between where she should be and where she actually is. I have no doubt that she will get there in time. That doesn't always make it easier though.

I can't wait to see what they both learn to do or say next....

Family of Five...

No, I am not pregnant.  No we aren't currently trying, but it's the right title for this post.

When Jake and I got married, we talked about babies and we both agreed... Whatever happens, happens. Two years later, nothing happened and we starting to worry. That's when our journey truly began. We decided we would seek out infertility treatments and it took us another year and a half or so before we got to our first IVF. Yes a lot happened in between, that's a story for another day.

But one thing we talked about a lot was family size. I am the only (between my mom and dad) but have half siblings, all of which were grown and out of the house when I came along. Jake has one sister. I wanted 5, Jake said he'd start with 3 and we'd see, I agreed. When we got our IVF cycle we talked a lot about the number of embryos to transfer back. We knew it would be no more then 2, per our doctor. But 1 vs. 2 was up to us. On Day 3 the Reproductive Endocrinologist called, he wanted to wait until Day 5 to transfer. We had 4 embryos - 2 AA's and 2 AB's (Out of 9 that fertilized) he wanted to wait two more days and see if one of the AA's pulled ahead so he could give his best recommendation. That was ultimately when we decided that we'd put back 2. If we got to Day 5 with 2 beautiful embryos, they would both go back. We had been through too much to live with "what if's". Day 5 came and we still had 2 AA's and 2 AB's, 2 AA's went back and the other 2 did not make it to freeze.

Addison and Blake (yes both embryos took, we know that for sure), are our "meant to bes".

Since they have been born we have encountered a lot of comments regarding our family size. "Oh one of each, now you are done." "How perfect, the perfect family all at once." "Stop now while you are ahead, you already have your boy and your girl."

Yes we are beyond blessed. We have our boy and our girl and I couldn't imagine that any other way. But does it mean that we still don't long for a 3rd child to love? Does it mean that it's wrong to want just one more?

Will we ever have another baby? It's hard to say. It's highly likely that we will have to do another IVF cycle (please don't tell me about your friend's cousin's sister who did IVF then got pregnant on her own, yes it happens and I am not saying it won't for us either, but there are no guarantees). There are many other unknowns as well. Will I be put on bed rest again? Will we face NICU time again? How would we manage both of these things with TWO children at home? I know that I will have another c-section, there is no escaping that. I remember bits and pieces from all of my pregnancy, c-section, recovery and NICU stay that make me question if we could handle another. And what if the next IVF doesn't work? Could we handle that heartache?

I'd be lying if I told you we hadn't already went back to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. We did and I know where we stand today. We almost pulled the trigger and went forward. But then ... we stopped.

It gets harder to tune out that baby fever as the twins grow up, but we both still have emotional scars that haven't healed. We originally wanted our babies 2-4 years apart, but that won't happen now. Does it mean it never will? I am not sure. Part of me is scared to death that something will happen and I will leave behind my amazing husband and the two babies I already have. Part of us thinks we are being selfish by asking for more. What if our only miracle card was used to let Addison and Blake live?

I am not looking for answers. Nor am I looking to answer anyone. These things just needed to be said, for me...for us... to heal. Saying it some how makes it more real.

For now... for now we are complete. We can't imagine our world any differently, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish I could be pregnant again at some point (and go full term this time). A lot of it is missing out on what I thought would be too. It gets easier, but it's still there. I don't wish what we went through on anyone and never would.

I trust GOD knows what we can handle and I trust as always His Will, will be done in the end.