Thankful Thursday...

Today I am thankful for Jake's work schedule this week. It happens few and far between but I am enjoying not having the alarm clock buzzing in my ear at the crack of dawn and having him around at least for breakfast. The irony is that he still gets home typically around the same time each evening/night BUT it still gives us more family time. And it's given me a some time to get some much needed things caught up around the house too which is always nice.

He does a lot for us, his little family. And I am always thankful for that. We make a heck of a team together, I'd be lost without him. He's hard work lets me do what I do.

Where to Wednesday ...

NEW FEATURE -

Join us on our adventures as we explore! I mentioned wanted to spend more time doing things as a family, getting out of the house. To hold myself accountable I am commiting to "Where to Wednesday", where on the first Wednesday of every month I'll share a place with you that we have either a.) visited or b.) will be visiting soon. They may be simple places we imagine in our minds, or a far away land. Stick around to see what adventures we'll do next.


Our first Adventure is Dutch Wonderland in PA. I visited here often as a child, then again with my Godson over the summer during my teen years. Life came full circle when we made our first visit with Addison and Blake to see their "WinterWonderland" of lights. (Addison even rode a kiddie ride all by herself). They enjoyed it (ok I lie, Addison enjoyed it. It was mostly too much for Blake.) And I think they will love it even more by this summer or the next. The best part is that it's reasonably priced and not too far away. I highly reccomend it for the younger crowd. 

My 2013...

With each new year brings a chance at a new beginning or sorts. Time to make resolutions and set goals.

I've done a lot of thinking about what I'd like to accomplish this year both personal and otherwise. As well as what I'd like to see the four of us accomplish. And yet here we are over a week into the new year and I feel like I've barely tipped the iceberg.

The BIGGEST goal for this year hands down is making more time. Unplugging from the cell phone and internet (Facebook) more often. Being able to connect instantly is awesome, and I truly enjoy sharing all out moments and such with our friends and family and I can still do that, but I want to limit my time. One huge thing that has helped a ton already with this, is not having internet at home (yet). I have access to many things from my phone which has served its purpose and initially raised our bill until I was able to wean myself away, whoops...baby steps. So if you've missed me on FB (hahahaha) that's why. I also want to blog more. (Weird right?) But I feel like this blog is a better resource for documenting things and storing memories (as well as expressing myself).

Taking the TIME to spend time with Jake. Just the two of us. Even if it's pizza and a movie in the living room after Addison and Blake are in bed. In fact I've vowed to make Friday's frozen pizza and a movie night (who knows we may even splurge and order delivery once in awhile). But having the time to connect with one another and unwind. Be Melissa and Jake and not Mommy and Daddy, just for a moment.

Doing more things the four of us when Jake's not working. As Addison and Blake grow, they are more and more on the move, and exploring anything they can. I want "us" to encourage that and in turn GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Use the backyard we now have. Walk the peaceful neighborhood. Let the kiddos ride their cars on the side way, play catch, tag, whatever it may be... Just get out of the house. We did this on Saturday between breakfast and lunch/naps (after an episode of Jake and the Pirates, lol), and let me tell you, it felt great. We had so much fun that Blake had the biggest epic meltdown when it was time to come inside for lunch.

Spending Sunday's as they were intended, as a day of rest. Doing the bare minimum. Which also includes going to church. (I am still working on the last part, but we will do it. My goal for now is once a month, depending on how A & B do...which to be honest, I think they'll be fine. I still remember my mom's bag o' tricks to keep my occupied in church.)

And taking time for me. A hour a week, to myself to do whatever I want. (I'll let you know how that goes.)

Add to that list, the usual - build our savings, pay off a few small bills, loose a few pounds, de-clutter (there is a play room still waiting to be played in), celebrate each moment and I think that just about rounds it out...

Tell me, what are your goals to make 2013 a great year?

Milestone Monday

I am not sure it's really a milestone BUT.... They like their veggies, and enjoy a good grilled cheese and spinach sandwich for lunch. And I guess in some ways this is HUGE for Addison, up until a few days ago she wouldn't eat grilled cheese. Blake enjoyed them, hated them, and appears to enjoy them again. Addison is also officially addicted to milk, like as in 24 ounces a day. WOAH! And still eating like a champ.

Blake now tells us every night "brush teeth" and walks in the bathroom on his way to bed every night, and at nap time too. They both actually really enjoy brushing their teeth and I let them take turns "practicing" on their own while I help the other. He is also talking more and more in sentences. And Addison is taking cues from him by picking up new words every day. (Mommy needs to be careful what she says).

Oh and let's see... This morning during breakfast I was correcting Addison for being rotten instead of eating and I said "Do you want to be punished today?" She turns to Jake and goes "Daaaaaaada?" In this really innocent voice, hands folded in front of her at the table as if she were about to negotiate. He looked at me and I could see it... Co-parenting went out the window and he was about to give in. Well played Addison, well played. Learn how to work Daddy already. Sigh.

And we are at the stage where it's "I do it", "Daddy do it" or "Mommy do it" and if we do not honor these requests, tantrums ensue. (Blake)... For example - Me: "Come here so Mommy can put you in your chair." Blake: "Dadda DO IT!" or Jake: "Ok buddy bedtime, lets go." Blake: "MOMMA DO IT!"

So yeah. That's where we are right now. It's pretty exciting watching them grow and learn to do all these new things.

Infertility...

I don't believe I ever actually shared this part of "our beginning", in detail anyway. So I'll do it now. (Fair warning this will probably be more then anything you ever wanted to know about your son (son-in law) and daughter (daughter-in law), you've been warned and are encouraged to stop read now lol. However you may find it highly informative, so read at your own risk).

We got married April 7, 2007 and started TTC (trying to conceive), ok well actually playing the "let's just see what happens" game. (To me TTC is more like timing things, temping, all that stuff). I was convinced that I'd just stop taking birth control pills and it would happen, that is what happens right? Little did I know it would take so much more.

A few months went by, we had some tragic family events come up and once things settled we decided that since "see what happens" hadn't "happened" we'd get a little more in tune with things. I read some stuff about all the things you should/could do to help things along and we tried. Months went by where I'd think "Could I be, I might be, am I?", only to be discouraged by a very late cycle or negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. I went to the doctor. The first OB/GYN I saw (ironically later became my OB when I finally got PG and delivered A & B) wanted to take a wait and see approach. He thought we were young enough, and had plenty of time, everything appeared normal, except some weird cycles and he believed if we waited there was a chance my body would get it together. At the same time I was working for a GYN who more then once ordered a blood pregnancy test for me because things were so out of sorts and I just had to be sure. Finally, one day he spoke up and asked more. I am forever grateful.

He ordered more blood work and diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). My "current" OB still wanted to wait. The other, gave me knowledge, power, insight, and offered a solution. I switched OB's, started a pill called Clomid and we tried, again and again, for months. Nothing happened, ok well something happened. I ovulated, but nothing else happened. It was Jake's turn to be poked and prodded. We waited, took a break, explored options. My OB said he could get things started on Jake but obviously couldn't treat anything related to him and made more reccomendations, one specifically, "Go to Shady Grove Fertility and start treatment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist)." At the time our insurance didn't cover much past what we had already tried so things went on the back burner.

Sometime in the beginning of 2010 I finally made our first appointment at Shady Grove, after wasting a year with another RE who basically sucked. Nothing like sitting in the waiting room at the RE's office and starring at a visibly pregnant woman and then later listening to the sound of her child's heartbeat echo out into the hall where I waited...waited for answers and my time to be a mother. An RE should never really share an office with an OB, it's sort of sucky for those other patients, no matter how happy I could be for everyone else there was still heartache there for me. Shady Grove was so very different. From the staff to the environment, it was all just...different... and better. I felt like it could actually happen for us finally. I learned we'd have to have a lot more tests done before we could even get started, and then right in the middle Jake changed jobs, which ended up being a huge blessing because of their Infertility coverage, to say it dramatically lowered our out of pocket costs would be an understatement. His new job also gave us the opportunity to pursue IVF, which would not have happened otherwise. Many people have success with IUI, but our RE felt given our history, age and other factors it would be safest to do IVF and reduce the risk of multiples.

It took 8 months from start from that first visit until we made it to our first IVF cycle. The irony in this process? I had to go on BCP (birth control pills) to prep my body...TO GET PREGNANT!  Oh and I also had to loose about 20 pounds. The week before our cycle was to begin I was still up 5 pounds... I went to the gym every.single.day. and ate as many low calorie foods as I could. I probably was the healthiest I have ever been in my entire life prior to getting pregnant. The irony in that? After my egg transfer I was on modified bed rest and encouraged to avoid any exercise other then some easy walking until our 6 week u/s. All that working out and then I couldn't for 6 long weeks.

The in between - I was on two shots twice a day then three shots, I went for monitoring every other day for a few days, then everyday for a week or so. Looking back I wish I had been a blogger back then (or at the least kept a journal), but I didn't. Either way I do vividly remembering writing in my planner about watching the sun rise in morning traffic on way way to monitoring appointments and how peaceful it was. I recall bits and pieces of details throughout. They seem like a distant memory now.

Once they felt like I had decent sized follicles, they scheduled me for the egg retrieval (follicles are retrieved and are mixed in a pee-tree dish with "the boys" <--- medically correct I know, lol) and gave me protocol to follow after that (which included Progesterone suppositories OH WHAT FUN). I also had to take a trigger shot...which had to be done at a very specific time...which happened to be, at the same time as kickoff for a Ravens game we had tickets too. The RE's office marked the area that we needed to inject that final shot into, my brave husband was terrified and couldn't perform (get your mind out of the gutter, he is terrified of needles and was shaking to bad to attempt it). So ladies, I stood in the MedStar First Aid booth, they pulled a curtain and a Medical Assistant who I had never even met prior to this event, "pulled the trigger" pun intended.

Let me just say, there was absolutely nothing glamorous about this. Nothing at all. Nothing "normal" about this. On Monday morning I was in the RE's office and prepped for the procedure, I remember none of it, including the nice shot of HCG (yes the pregnancy hormone) that I got. I know I felt that later though. They retrieved 12 follicles on Day 1 - 9 had fertilized, Day 2 - only 8 remained and so it went... Day 3 - We had 4  (or maybe it was 6, I don't recall) embryos 2 A's 2 B's (A= best quality, B= decent quality), we were planning to transfer that day but our RE recommended we wait until Day 5 in hopes that one of the embryos would pull ahead and he could make his best reccomendation on which embryo to transfer. He had one rule, we could transfer no more then 2 embryos. He was that confident. So we had two more days to decide, contemplate, hesitate. Day 5 arrived, we went back to the RE's office. By this point I craved some normalcy and Jake and I had a running joke about a "conception song" (Ya know all those stories about "Oh we had few drinks, a song came on and next thing you know here was little Jake...ok ok cheesy but play along), and I had brought my iPod with me. This was Labor Day weekend, we planned a getaway for that weekend so I truly could focus and relax.

The RE brought us our Fert Report. Still 2 beautiful 8 cell A quality embryos and 2 B's. There was no option in our mind. We'd put back two. Our best two. I laid back on the table, turned on my iPod - Chris Young's "Gettin' You Home" played and we watched a small flicker on the screen as those two embryos where put in place. I had to lay there for some ridiculous amount of time (with a full bladder at that) and then it was over. The RE came back in with a picture for us. A snapshot of our two embies... The two that later became Addison and Blake. A snapshot of life the moment it began.

I would return in 10 days for a blood test to find out if it all worked. At the same time they shared the news that those other two embryos (the B's) didn't make it... they had planned to wait 2 more days and then freeze them. Those 2 embryos arrested the next day. Only the two we transferred survived.

It was (what I thought would be) the longest 10 days of my life (hello 153 days in the NICU) and I couldn't wait. So I cheated a little. I bought several dollars worth of tests and started testing at home on 4 days after our egg transfer (a Wednesday) it was negative. I fought hard not be disappointed. And promised myself I wouldn't test again. I broke that promise 2 days later, 7 days after our egg transfer (a Saturday) and it was positive. It would be another month before we'd know it was twins (10/13/10) to be exact. Nothing can explain the joy felt that day.

It was an emotional and sometimes terrifying ride. There were days we felt hopeless, and alone. I'd be lying if I said it didn't take it's toll on our marriage in some form. Something what was meant to be so natural, romantic and spontaneous; suddenly became about timing and schedules and precision. We pulled ourselves together and pulled closer together because of it, in the end. And just when we thought things were "better", we had healed and recovered, we were slapped in the face with two preemies who rocked our world and tested our faith all over again.

Despite it all, we don't regret a single moment of it all. Don't get me wrong, I questioned it...maybe we weren't meant to be parents. Were we tempting fate by going against the "normal", was God against IVF, would we be punished because of it? I have accepted this is "our normal" and I am beyond thankful for it. I've had to put my faith in medicine and accept the fact that God made man and gave man the power to do these miraculous things. To perform His work, His work of miracles. And most importantly, that Addison and Blake are indeed our meant-to-be's. From 12 to 2...nothing would stand in their way. Our fighters since the beginning.

And that adoring fans, is our story. I hope that by sharing our story, someone out there will benefit from it. That it will give them a voice, courage and inspiration and most important, let them know they are not alone. Infertility doesn't have to be a dirty secret.

(For more information about Infertility and Support visit Resolve or Shady Grove Fertility )

Thankful Thursday...

Aside from being EXTREMELY thankful for Addison's progress and weight gain this week,

I am also extremely thankful for my little cuddle bug boy. He is growing into such a smart, amazing, lovable and kind boy. He talks (oh my gosh does he talk - once he warms us to you lol) like he is grown. I love watching his personality shine through. My heart melts when he comes over and says "I cuddle Momma" and climbs into my lap. I live for those days because I know those days slip fewer and far between and one day he won't want Momma's cuddles. But for today he is my little boy. My love for both my babies, still amazes me. I never imagined my love could be this strong.

Step right up!

New Year's Eve cuddles as Prince Charming fights to stay awake

Weight Check...

Day 48 without a tube feeding...36 days since her last Ped visit/weight check and.............drumroll................

SHE WEIGHS 23.1 LBS!!!!!!! SHE HAS GAINED A HALF A POUND SINCE 11/27!!!!!!!!

The Ped was beaming from ear to ear and told her "Sweet girl you are simply doing amazing, and I am so proud of how far you have come. You are really doing great!"

This is huge... HUGE. Our 1 lb 10oz baby girl who has been tube fed most of her life, hasn't had a tube feeding in 48 days and has gained a half a pound. Amazing miracle I tell ya!

I have been so stressed and so worried about it, and once again Addison has proven that she is defying the odds. I am simply amazed. Hard to believe that in exactly 42 days (not that I am counting) these amazing twins will be 2!!!!!!!!

And now for your viewing pleasure I leave you with a picture of the princess herself, driving in her Cozy Coupe this morning... Which by the way, she now informs me "Things do, back later" and drives off across the living room.

My Cozy Princess. Can you stand the cuteness?