Shaking off the dust...

How in the world has it been months since I've last blogged? Where has the time gone?

Well... I'm back, because I have lots to say. And some big updates on the twins.

So let's start here...

Two years ago today I started running for the first time, EVER. Needless to say, I fell off the wagon, got back on, fell off... you get the point right? But today I figured what better day to get back on track. So I did.

I tossed on my running clothes, packed everyone a lunch and loaded the car. We hit the park and Addi and Blake ate their lunch in the stroller while I started over with Day 1 of C25k. A few things I noticed along the way included the fact that Holy Cow is that big stroller and two preschools a lot harder to push! They pretty much walk everywhere we go these days so the stroller has been collecting dust too. So there's that, and the fact that ... shew... I am still not in the shape I want to be in. But we cover a mile and quarter. Then I watched them conquer the playground while I soaked in some sun.

I even remembered the sun screen this time! 

I wanted to document this day and track my progress. So that's it for now. More to come.

Something to be Thankful for....

Last year around this time, I feel like I was in a totally different place.

This year I felt like I was really LIVING, present and in the moment.

The night before Miss A stayed up until the very wee hours of the night/morning waiting for her Daddy to return from work. Refusing to sleep, refusing to "wait" in her room, instead she joined me in our bed and watched Christmas movies, used a whole bottle of lotion on my back (but gave the best massage lol) and we talked. Hubs eventually made it home and spent some time with her, by this point she was fading fast but not before debating who would be on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.. according to her Luke Bryan would be appearing (right after she woke him up with a hug) and Santa would not be arriving at the end of the parade because "he is super busy at the North Pole right now Dad", after all he is "making all my presents!"

Needless to say her little up all night performance in addition to Hubs working so late derailed our plans of getting up before he left for work on turkey day to have breakfast together. Instead he went on his way to work, we snacked on frozen waffles, watched the parade together and cuddled. By "lunch" time Hubs was home, so we ssettled down for breakfast then with Chipped Beef Gravy and biscuits. He and the kiddos then took well deserved naps while I worked on setting the rest of dinner to bake.

Hubs was on call for work too and while he did get several phone calls that interrupted dinner a few times, he managed to escape having to go back out, so we got to enjoy our meal as a family.

I cannot explain the overwhelming sense of pride and joy when Addison said she wanted to lead Grace, and repeated after me. Or the joy in my heart as she ate to her hearts content... (remember those first two thanksgivings where we weren't even sure she'd ever eat????). Conversation flowed, mostly from A & B as hubs and I listen on. We talked about what we were thankful for... Addison and Blake both said "pie" lol, and Hubs and I both of course are thankful for each other and our two miracles (and a million other things).

We hung out and picked at the leftovers the rest of the night until it was time to clean up and head to bed. But not before we made a call to Santa, just to check in. Rumor has it that he will be arriving today to drop off our Christmas Tree.... (we had to tell Blake last year that Santa picks up the tree after the holidays, he didn't get why we couldn't just leave it up forever, so we promised Santa would bring it back again).

This morning I am very thankful that I got to sleep in and then woke up to monkeys jumping on the bed. We spent a good hour just being there, in the moment and giggling and playing, just the four of us. It was after that that it all kind of hit me and I looked back on the moment thinking "this right here, these are the moments I live for". Things can't be perfect always but for a short time, everything was right in the world and we are happy. I think it totally set the tone for today and made me really think and feel....

I've spent a lot of time worrying about how the holidays would impact me this year, and while I admit I did have a few minutes of anxiety which felt like an attack coming on, I was able to push past in and realize that I am here and in this wonderful moment and it feels, amazing.

Sure we didn't spend our day with family or friends but it was perfect just the way it was. And for that I am greatful.

Breaking the Silence

I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I've blogged about anything. Needless to say a lot has happened over that course of time.

Last year, just before the holidays, things got a little sour here in our house. First there were some major things going on in our relationship, which led us to couples therapy. Let me just tell you, that was the greatest thing I think we ever did for US.

After things settled down there, I personally began to go through a very dark time. And then, the panic attacks began.

Most people who know me probably know that I have this somewhat seemingly irrational fear of death/dying. And suddenly it was like everywhere I looked someone else was dying around me. Celebrities, mutual friends, someone in the news, in the community. And well, I freaked.

I'm not afraid to say it now. I was paranoid that I would be next. That I would leave this earth and leave behind my husband and my two precious babies. Or even worse, I'd loose them.

When my anxiety first spiked, I itched from head to toe. Then one day I was on the treadmill at the gym and couldn't catch my breath. I know now that was my first panic attack. Time went on and I kept trying to just, forget about it, but my triggers kept popping up everywhere.

One night I was getting ready for bed and the underside of my arm started itching and I lost it. In exactly 2.5 seconds I had myself convinced that I was dying of cancer. Why? Well because my dad died of cancer and job long before he died he broke out in this rash from head to toe and he was constantly scratching at his arms. So sure that meant I had cancer and was dying too.

This was after a terrible and very very real feeling nightmare that my hubby had been killed in a work accident.

Long story short, I ended up having a mental breakdown and spent the better part of 2 or 3 weeks hopped up on Xanax and literally lying either in bed or on the couch drifting in and out of sleep. For three weeks I was a zombie and completely relied on the help of family and God to watch over Addison and Blake.

Christmas? We went to Christmas Eve service where I spoke with out Pastor who prayed for so hard for us and then spent the rest of the service sobbing in my seat. I came home, we read "The Night Before Christmas" to the kids and everyone went to bed. The next day I felt very somber as we opened gifts at home, and then we went to visit family... where I promptly fell asleep on the couch right in the middle of it all.

If you know me at all you would know this is so totally out of character for me. I am just constantly plowing forward and moving on.

I followed up with a new doctor. We changed meds and suddenly around New Years Day I started to come out of the fog that I felt like I had been living in. It was such a slow process for me to get back on my feet and feel "normal" again.

Now a year later, I have learned a lot. About myself. About my anxiety. About my family. And about people around me.

I learned that at some point my body and mind were just exhausted from every.little.thing. that had been thrown our way over nearly eight years we have been married. And my anxiety is my body's overreaction to stress.

I racked my brain for months in therapy, not understandin why, at a point when things were mostly calm, did all this happen. And I learned, it was because for the first time since we found out I was pregnant, I was able breath, relax and process what had happened. That's when reality sunk in.

I could have died. I could have gotten an infection from being ruptured for so long and died. While trying to protect our children and keep them inside as long as possible, I.could.have.died.

We could have lost one or both of our babies. We came very close on several occasions to nearly loosing Addison.

I lived through some, a bit mild, PTSD as I came to terms with all that had happened.

I had to learn to let go of the guilt. Guilt about what could I have done different. Was it some how my fault? Every emotion I felt back in the NICU came back full force. Like I was living it all over again.

Guilt over taking time for myself, ever. After a solid three years of meeting Addison and Blake's every need. Working so tirelessly to get Addison to safely enjoy eating food. The hours, weeks, months, years of therapy. Where was there time for me?

Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of people who offered to help. But Hubs and I? Well felt it was our cross and ours alone to bear. And there was no way we could risk any of the horror stories happened if we went anywhere and heaven forbid there was an emergancy (mainly with A and her feeding tube). At the end of the day, I was utterly convinced that I was the only other person who could handle her needs. Was I wrong? Probably, but I also viewed it as a short term...thing...and I was bound and determined to see her through it.

Now, I know and understand the importance of being able to have even just five minutes to myself. To just, breathe.

And I've learned to ask for help when I need it.

I've learned to manage my anxiety so much better, and the attacks when they happen.

Now, I take a pill a day and attend therapy weekly to work on myself and learn how to continue to cope. Some day, we may try a different approach, and stop the medicine, but I'm not there yet, I may never be. And I'm ok with that.

Looking back I could probably say "could have, would have, should have"... but instead I'll say this, I'm beyond thankful for where I am right this minute. And even more thankful for all those who stood by me and continue to support me.

As we approach the time of year again where things all went south, I wanted to take the time to speak up and speak out. Because I know I am not alone. And I hope someone out there comes across this and reads it, and realizes they aren't alone either. Not just that, but because I've learned silence is not the answer. If I am silent, then the people around me don't know how to help. Most times during an attack, I just need time and space. And usually after, I need a little reassurance and maybe a hug. ;)

I'm also working extra diligently to make sure I find some kind of small time for myself and hoping that the same thing doesn't happen again this year. I'm learning to cope with that worry and fear as I continue to me strong for my family.

So if you see me and I somehow seem different. It's because I am. I've cut out sstressor and triggers wherever I can. Because now, now it's time to do for ME.

Long Overdue Update

So yeah, I used to do this thing called 'blogging' a lot. And then somethings happened and well, some sacrifices had to be made and things got neglected. This blog being one of them. I doubt I'll ever stop blogging completely but the fact of the matter is that...it will come in waves, as it always has. Now that we got that out of the way, lets talk about those two little kiddos that I know ya'll adore.

You might remember me saying awhile back that sometime in Nov. Miss Addison would have to sit for an evaluation to determine if she qualified for the transition into Early Intervention's Preschool Program (not the same preschool that she's been attending once a week with Blake). Well we had that eval and ... SHE NO LONGER QUALIFIES FOR ANY EARLY INTERVENTION SERVICES!!!! After 2.5 years of therapy anywhere from once to three or more times a week, we are done. That chapter is closed.

The evaluators could not say enough positive things about her development. We've once again been reminded that we are one of the lucky ones. Addison falls developmental in line with the average peers her age! This is so huge for us. They told us that it is nothing short of remarkable given her history that she is doing so well. They would have never expected it. A miracle indeed.

I admit it. I teared up. It's bittersweet and a very proud moment.

They are both talking up a storm and I gotta admit, I am a whole lot scared that my children are going to be way smarter then I am. Don't get me wrong, that's a great thing and honestly I can only hope they are, but it worries me. Because of the fact that they will (and maybe already have) out smart me and always have one up on me. The things that come out of their mouths have left me very speechless on a number of occasions.

We're also still in the terrible 2's or almost 3's, but we're hanging in there. Naps are scarce, when it happens it's either in the car or they pass out on the couch while watching Mickey.

Look forward to some Christmas festivities coming up soon, and more on what's been going on with us. <3

World Prematurity Awareness Day

I have not forgotten. I will never forget.

We are 1 in 8. 

By now if you know me, the hubs, have met the twins, our family or read this blog; you know I am the proud mommy of 26 weekers who are nearly 3 years old. 

Our story really began 3 years ago this month when just days before my birthday I had a terrible bleeding scare that earned my first bed rest stint. Gradually nearest was lifted to just moderate activities, things were going great and then my water broke with Lady A at just 20 weeks gestation. Thankfully we got 6 more weeks of bed rest before my preemies entered the world. 

The past three years have been a lot of things. I've met a lot of other moms who have "been there" and shared our story a million times. I will never forget how prematurity has impacted our life.

I encourage you to help raise awareness by sharing this blog, sharing any of the March of Dimes data and most of all, educating yourself and others about preemies. Together we can all make a difference. 

Sleep...of Lack There Of

When the twins were newly home from the NICU we went through a pretty rough patch of sleepless nights. At that time there were a lot of factors that played in to this, one of which being the space that wasn't quiet their own "room". Our bathroom was practically IN their room and well when Daddy came home from work late at night (or had to get up for work super early) inadvertently they'd wake. They also would often actually give me a run for my money when it would come to just getting them down to sleep at the beginning of the night. I tried a lot of different things to make it better. Keep in mind I also had one baby tied to a feeding pump all night too, which was a challenge in itself.

I remember being so torn because as I sat and rocked Blake she might cry out yet the power cord and the tubing wouldn't reach to the rocker so I could rock them both at once. Or I'd be rocking her and Blake would wake up. (It's actually quiet challenging trying to get one baby asleep while the other screams their head off. Add to that that most nights I was flying solo.) And I had these big dreams of rocking babies to sleep every night while we cuddled close as they drank their bedtime bottle. It was nothing like I envisioned at all.

Oh how I remember these late night parties that Blake used to have every night at midnight. He'd babble and coo and smile for what seemed like hours. As long as he wasn't in his crib. Then he'd scream.

In the end we decided to sleep train, in a very relaxed way. It worked after just a few nights, and we never looked back. Since then we've moved (twice but who's counting), and even those first few nights in a new place did not make a darn bit of difference. Heck they even slept in hotels like it was their home! During those early days we had bought a sound machine which helped them sleep through the night, and when it broke or someone forgot to turn it on they didn't notice.

And then... we transitioned to toddler beds. Aside from a few night terrors up until this point at almost 2.5 years old, they literally slept through the night and willingly went to bed/nap. Now all bets were off. Since the toddler bed transition, I'd say that 3 out of 7 nights a week we end up with someone in our bed, usually Addison. We've tried being firm, putting her back in her bed over and over, rocking, cuddles, massages, offering water, anything else we think of at 2 am. Sometimes it works, other times she'll sleep with us for a bit and then we can get her back in her bed, and then sometimes, she stays in our bed until it's time to wake up.

It's in those moments when she's laying cuddled flush against me, I am sweating bullets, and she kicks me in her sleep again; that I am reminded that there once was a time when she didn't want to be held. Or when Blake is making this noise he makes when he sleeps (sounds like "round and round and round" with his fingers in his mouth) and I cannot sleep, I remember all the nights he slept in the hospital "alone". And well - I am ok with it. Because ya know what? In the end there will one day be a day when they won't want to cuddle anymore. And for each night of sleeplessness, there are mornings filled with footsteps down the hall and an excited "Good Morning Mommy" followed by cuddles and a cartoon or two. It's worth it.But boy oh boy do I miss consistent sleep.

Preschool Part 2

Today Addison and Blake started preschool through the program I briefly mentioned in my last post about what we'd be doing here. We decided that it would probably be very beneficial to get them into preschool now so that IF Addison qualifies or come time for the next phase of preschool it won't be such a shock for them both. So - they are now going to preschool one day a week for two hours. Probably doesn't seem like much, but it's the structure that they both need and will benefit from as well as the interaction with other children. It's a 'non exclusive' preschool meaning while it is affiliated with the Early Intervention system it's not only for EI kids. (AKA Blake can be there too). Eventually they will increase to two days a week (or more) though that won't be until closer to age 3.

Their morning started promptly at 8 am with breakfast in bed.

Blake was so excited that he wanted his "jacket on NOW" and didn't care that he was still in pjs.

Finally we are all ready. (They wouldn't hold the sign for me though - stinkers!) And Blake was less then amused.

They thought they were so funny, haha. Determined I wouldn't get a good picture for this big occasion.

Mommy & Us.

Daddy & Us. So glad he was able to see them off on their first day. (Addison wanted to kneel down like he was).

We lost the jacket vests. It was a little warm - waiting to go in to school.

Another funny shot for mommy!

Her smile here kills me. Seriously. I love these two.

They came home from preschool, requested some yogurt to eat and then promptly said "Nap now". Off to nap they went and slept from 12:10 to 3:00pm! WHOA! Apparently they were worn out from their big day.


Yogurt mess. LOL.

And then the afternoon shenanigans began.

All in all they did fabulous. They had never so much as stepped foot inside this place until today, but they walked right in to their classroom and began playing. No goodbyes, no tears, not so much as a look back at us. Just like that - they were off. Really I couldn't be more proud, but I admit; I choked back some tears several times after I dropped them off. I still cannot believe that here we are. A moment we weren't sure we'd get to have.

I felt foolish because really this isn't nearly as big of a deal as what 3 y/o preschool will be, or kindergarten - you name it. But for us it IS a big deal. It's a big leap. A moment we won't take for granted. I cannot wait to see how much they grow with this new experience.