Last year around this time, I feel like I was in a totally different place.
This year I felt like I was really LIVING, present and in the moment.
The night before Miss A stayed up until the very wee hours of the night/morning waiting for her Daddy to return from work. Refusing to sleep, refusing to "wait" in her room, instead she joined me in our bed and watched Christmas movies, used a whole bottle of lotion on my back (but gave the best massage lol) and we talked. Hubs eventually made it home and spent some time with her, by this point she was fading fast but not before debating who would be on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.. according to her Luke Bryan would be appearing (right after she woke him up with a hug) and Santa would not be arriving at the end of the parade because "he is super busy at the North Pole right now Dad", after all he is "making all my presents!"
Needless to say her little up all night performance in addition to Hubs working so late derailed our plans of getting up before he left for work on turkey day to have breakfast together. Instead he went on his way to work, we snacked on frozen waffles, watched the parade together and cuddled. By "lunch" time Hubs was home, so we ssettled down for breakfast then with Chipped Beef Gravy and biscuits. He and the kiddos then took well deserved naps while I worked on setting the rest of dinner to bake.
Hubs was on call for work too and while he did get several phone calls that interrupted dinner a few times, he managed to escape having to go back out, so we got to enjoy our meal as a family.
I cannot explain the overwhelming sense of pride and joy when Addison said she wanted to lead Grace, and repeated after me. Or the joy in my heart as she ate to her hearts content... (remember those first two thanksgivings where we weren't even sure she'd ever eat????). Conversation flowed, mostly from A & B as hubs and I listen on. We talked about what we were thankful for... Addison and Blake both said "pie" lol, and Hubs and I both of course are thankful for each other and our two miracles (and a million other things).
We hung out and picked at the leftovers the rest of the night until it was time to clean up and head to bed. But not before we made a call to Santa, just to check in. Rumor has it that he will be arriving today to drop off our Christmas Tree.... (we had to tell Blake last year that Santa picks up the tree after the holidays, he didn't get why we couldn't just leave it up forever, so we promised Santa would bring it back again).
This morning I am very thankful that I got to sleep in and then woke up to monkeys jumping on the bed. We spent a good hour just being there, in the moment and giggling and playing, just the four of us. It was after that that it all kind of hit me and I looked back on the moment thinking "this right here, these are the moments I live for". Things can't be perfect always but for a short time, everything was right in the world and we are happy. I think it totally set the tone for today and made me really think and feel....
I've spent a lot of time worrying about how the holidays would impact me this year, and while I admit I did have a few minutes of anxiety which felt like an attack coming on, I was able to push past in and realize that I am here and in this wonderful moment and it feels, amazing.
Sure we didn't spend our day with family or friends but it was perfect just the way it was. And for that I am greatful.