My 2013...

With each new year brings a chance at a new beginning or sorts. Time to make resolutions and set goals.

I've done a lot of thinking about what I'd like to accomplish this year both personal and otherwise. As well as what I'd like to see the four of us accomplish. And yet here we are over a week into the new year and I feel like I've barely tipped the iceberg.

The BIGGEST goal for this year hands down is making more time. Unplugging from the cell phone and internet (Facebook) more often. Being able to connect instantly is awesome, and I truly enjoy sharing all out moments and such with our friends and family and I can still do that, but I want to limit my time. One huge thing that has helped a ton already with this, is not having internet at home (yet). I have access to many things from my phone which has served its purpose and initially raised our bill until I was able to wean myself away, whoops...baby steps. So if you've missed me on FB (hahahaha) that's why. I also want to blog more. (Weird right?) But I feel like this blog is a better resource for documenting things and storing memories (as well as expressing myself).

Taking the TIME to spend time with Jake. Just the two of us. Even if it's pizza and a movie in the living room after Addison and Blake are in bed. In fact I've vowed to make Friday's frozen pizza and a movie night (who knows we may even splurge and order delivery once in awhile). But having the time to connect with one another and unwind. Be Melissa and Jake and not Mommy and Daddy, just for a moment.

Doing more things the four of us when Jake's not working. As Addison and Blake grow, they are more and more on the move, and exploring anything they can. I want "us" to encourage that and in turn GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Use the backyard we now have. Walk the peaceful neighborhood. Let the kiddos ride their cars on the side way, play catch, tag, whatever it may be... Just get out of the house. We did this on Saturday between breakfast and lunch/naps (after an episode of Jake and the Pirates, lol), and let me tell you, it felt great. We had so much fun that Blake had the biggest epic meltdown when it was time to come inside for lunch.

Spending Sunday's as they were intended, as a day of rest. Doing the bare minimum. Which also includes going to church. (I am still working on the last part, but we will do it. My goal for now is once a month, depending on how A & B do...which to be honest, I think they'll be fine. I still remember my mom's bag o' tricks to keep my occupied in church.)

And taking time for me. A hour a week, to myself to do whatever I want. (I'll let you know how that goes.)

Add to that list, the usual - build our savings, pay off a few small bills, loose a few pounds, de-clutter (there is a play room still waiting to be played in), celebrate each moment and I think that just about rounds it out...

Tell me, what are your goals to make 2013 a great year?

I have changed...

I am not the same person I was two years ago, or ten years ago.

I have changed.

I am no longer afriad to stand up for what I know is right.

I know what's important and what's worth my time. I know when it's time to walk away.

I've lost friends along the way, but I have gained new ones. The phrase "People come in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime," could not be more true.

I know what I am worth, and I am confident.

I am stronger now then I ever was.

I have changed.

I am sure that I still have moments when I can be hard to handle, but I am loved anyway.

I fight hard for things/people that I believe in.

In many ways I am better now then I ever was. But I am not as good as I will once be.

I have changed.

I am on a journey, a journey to become a better me.
For myself, my husband, my children and my family. I want to set the example for what I one day want my children to be.

I hope along the way you will stand by my side. But if you cannot, please do not try to bring me down. Simply let me go and walk away.

Circumstances and live events have brought me here, I can't change that. I won't go back.

My faith has grown, after all I have been through, I don't know how I would have survived any other way.

I have changed.

To all those that love me, I love you and thank you too. <3 Me.

Family of Five...

No, I am not pregnant.  No we aren't currently trying, but it's the right title for this post.

When Jake and I got married, we talked about babies and we both agreed... Whatever happens, happens. Two years later, nothing happened and we starting to worry. That's when our journey truly began. We decided we would seek out infertility treatments and it took us another year and a half or so before we got to our first IVF. Yes a lot happened in between, that's a story for another day.

But one thing we talked about a lot was family size. I am the only (between my mom and dad) but have half siblings, all of which were grown and out of the house when I came along. Jake has one sister. I wanted 5, Jake said he'd start with 3 and we'd see, I agreed. When we got our IVF cycle we talked a lot about the number of embryos to transfer back. We knew it would be no more then 2, per our doctor. But 1 vs. 2 was up to us. On Day 3 the Reproductive Endocrinologist called, he wanted to wait until Day 5 to transfer. We had 4 embryos - 2 AA's and 2 AB's (Out of 9 that fertilized) he wanted to wait two more days and see if one of the AA's pulled ahead so he could give his best recommendation. That was ultimately when we decided that we'd put back 2. If we got to Day 5 with 2 beautiful embryos, they would both go back. We had been through too much to live with "what if's". Day 5 came and we still had 2 AA's and 2 AB's, 2 AA's went back and the other 2 did not make it to freeze.

Addison and Blake (yes both embryos took, we know that for sure), are our "meant to bes".

Since they have been born we have encountered a lot of comments regarding our family size. "Oh one of each, now you are done." "How perfect, the perfect family all at once." "Stop now while you are ahead, you already have your boy and your girl."

Yes we are beyond blessed. We have our boy and our girl and I couldn't imagine that any other way. But does it mean that we still don't long for a 3rd child to love? Does it mean that it's wrong to want just one more?

Will we ever have another baby? It's hard to say. It's highly likely that we will have to do another IVF cycle (please don't tell me about your friend's cousin's sister who did IVF then got pregnant on her own, yes it happens and I am not saying it won't for us either, but there are no guarantees). There are many other unknowns as well. Will I be put on bed rest again? Will we face NICU time again? How would we manage both of these things with TWO children at home? I know that I will have another c-section, there is no escaping that. I remember bits and pieces from all of my pregnancy, c-section, recovery and NICU stay that make me question if we could handle another. And what if the next IVF doesn't work? Could we handle that heartache?

I'd be lying if I told you we hadn't already went back to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. We did and I know where we stand today. We almost pulled the trigger and went forward. But then ... we stopped.

It gets harder to tune out that baby fever as the twins grow up, but we both still have emotional scars that haven't healed. We originally wanted our babies 2-4 years apart, but that won't happen now. Does it mean it never will? I am not sure. Part of me is scared to death that something will happen and I will leave behind my amazing husband and the two babies I already have. Part of us thinks we are being selfish by asking for more. What if our only miracle card was used to let Addison and Blake live?

I am not looking for answers. Nor am I looking to answer anyone. These things just needed to be said, for me...for us... to heal. Saying it some how makes it more real.

For now... for now we are complete. We can't imagine our world any differently, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish I could be pregnant again at some point (and go full term this time). A lot of it is missing out on what I thought would be too. It gets easier, but it's still there. I don't wish what we went through on anyone and never would.

I trust GOD knows what we can handle and I trust as always His Will, will be done in the end.