Friday, July 27, 2012

Family of Five...

No, I am not pregnant.  No we aren't currently trying, but it's the right title for this post.

When Jake and I got married, we talked about babies and we both agreed... Whatever happens, happens. Two years later, nothing happened and we starting to worry. That's when our journey truly began. We decided we would seek out infertility treatments and it took us another year and a half or so before we got to our first IVF. Yes a lot happened in between, that's a story for another day.

But one thing we talked about a lot was family size. I am the only (between my mom and dad) but have half siblings, all of which were grown and out of the house when I came along. Jake has one sister. I wanted 5, Jake said he'd start with 3 and we'd see, I agreed. When we got our IVF cycle we talked a lot about the number of embryos to transfer back. We knew it would be no more then 2, per our doctor. But 1 vs. 2 was up to us. On Day 3 the Reproductive Endocrinologist called, he wanted to wait until Day 5 to transfer. We had 4 embryos - 2 AA's and 2 AB's (Out of 9 that fertilized) he wanted to wait two more days and see if one of the AA's pulled ahead so he could give his best recommendation. That was ultimately when we decided that we'd put back 2. If we got to Day 5 with 2 beautiful embryos, they would both go back. We had been through too much to live with "what if's". Day 5 came and we still had 2 AA's and 2 AB's, 2 AA's went back and the other 2 did not make it to freeze.

Addison and Blake (yes both embryos took, we know that for sure), are our "meant to bes".

Since they have been born we have encountered a lot of comments regarding our family size. "Oh one of each, now you are done." "How perfect, the perfect family all at once." "Stop now while you are ahead, you already have your boy and your girl."

Yes we are beyond blessed. We have our boy and our girl and I couldn't imagine that any other way. But does it mean that we still don't long for a 3rd child to love? Does it mean that it's wrong to want just one more?

Will we ever have another baby? It's hard to say. It's highly likely that we will have to do another IVF cycle (please don't tell me about your friend's cousin's sister who did IVF then got pregnant on her own, yes it happens and I am not saying it won't for us either, but there are no guarantees). There are many other unknowns as well. Will I be put on bed rest again? Will we face NICU time again? How would we manage both of these things with TWO children at home? I know that I will have another c-section, there is no escaping that. I remember bits and pieces from all of my pregnancy, c-section, recovery and NICU stay that make me question if we could handle another. And what if the next IVF doesn't work? Could we handle that heartache?

I'd be lying if I told you we hadn't already went back to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. We did and I know where we stand today. We almost pulled the trigger and went forward. But then ... we stopped.

It gets harder to tune out that baby fever as the twins grow up, but we both still have emotional scars that haven't healed. We originally wanted our babies 2-4 years apart, but that won't happen now. Does it mean it never will? I am not sure. Part of me is scared to death that something will happen and I will leave behind my amazing husband and the two babies I already have. Part of us thinks we are being selfish by asking for more. What if our only miracle card was used to let Addison and Blake live?

I am not looking for answers. Nor am I looking to answer anyone. These things just needed to be said, for me...for us... to heal. Saying it some how makes it more real.

For now... for now we are complete. We can't imagine our world any differently, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish I could be pregnant again at some point (and go full term this time). A lot of it is missing out on what I thought would be too. It gets easier, but it's still there. I don't wish what we went through on anyone and never would.

I trust GOD knows what we can handle and I trust as always His Will, will be done in the end.

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