6 MONTHS OLD!!!!!!

Today our miracle babies are six months old... how very far they have come...

Addison at birth

Addison 1 month old

Addison 2 months old

Addison 3months old

Addison 4months old

Addison 5 months old

Blake at birth

Blake 1 month old

Blake 2 months old

Blake 3 months old.

Blake 4 months old

Blake 5 months old...(Prunes, yuck!)

6 months old!!!!!

Our first family photo Mar 2011

April 7th 2011 (our anniversary)

June 2011 (The night before Addison's surgery)

July 2011 (Homecoming!)

August 2011 (6 months old- First vacation!)

153 days....

That's how long it took to FINALLY have both babies home, under one roof, in our house...

The short version... After 4 years of marriage, 3 years of Infertility, 1 IVF cycle, 6 weeks of bedrest, Twins born 14 weeks early, 153 days in the NICU we are finally a "at home" family of 4!!!!!

God answers prayers, not always the answers we want but He makes miracles happen!

Our first night at home, Addison slept the whole night and we were so relieved that I think we might have had the best night of sleep ever, even if we had to wake up twice to feed Blake. The feeling of snuggling in our bed the next morning with these two...PRICELESS!

Coming home! (Outfit from our angel buddy CJ)

Post Op...

Monday 6/13/11 - Addison underwent surgery to hopefully cure her reflux, help her gain more weight and get her home with us. Doctor's performed surgery for nearly 4 hours to place a Nissin, G-Tube and complete two bilateral hernia repairs. She and I now have matching scars on our bellies, mine of course from the c-section, hers from the hernia repair.

Monday she was doing very well and they said they probably could have taken her off the ventilator in the OR, but they wanted to wait and let the NICU staff handle during recovery. (Mind you she was only on 1 liter nasal cannula pre surgery), We were elated and relieved that she had done so well. By the next morning Addison had declined rapidly from a respiratory stand point. It was obvious that she was in a lot of pain too, but it didn't seem like much was being done about. That being said, I know there is a fine line between keeping her comfy and sedating her to a point that she needs too much support from the ventilator.

By Wednesday she was a little worse. Higher vent settings and conversation about putting her back on the Oscillator were now in play. Addison was touchy and again still in pain. Her oxygen requirements were as high as 70% at one point. At this point Jake and I both are scared and concerned. They decided to start her on Nitrous to help with O2 deliver and finally after a looooonnnngggg day they decided last night to increase her pain medicine and sedate her a little bit more to make her more comfortable.

And that is where we are now, overnight they were able to bring her rate down from 45 to 40 and her O2 is now right around 30%, this is very small progress but progress none the less. There is talk that they might start trying to feed her tomorrow or the next day, until then she continues to get her nutrition in I.V. form.

Just keep praying that they can at least get her settings low enough to put her on Si-Pap for a while, anything to get her off the damn ventilator. I hate it... I hated it when they were born, and I hate it even more now. Seeing a 8 1/2 pound - strong, otherwise healthy baby - with that tube down her throat is not for the faint at heart to say the least.

God obviously thinks we can handle this. All I know is she is ours and we love her more then anything in this world. Our wish is to have her home and healthy so we can start living life as a family and actually enjoying these moments rather then visiting a hospital all day every day. It's tiring especially with Blake in tow, but let me tell you this little boy has been a trooper. I know he hates it there but he is such a big boy and loves to see his sister every day.

One of the hardest things about this whole transition is the fact that there are a lot of missing pieces and there is that loss of  "respect" for us as parents. HUGE parts of her history are missing, and this person isn't aware of this, etc. Last night the resident told me that she had no clue they used steriods to get Addison off the vent the first time. I am pretty sure that is documented somewhere and that to me is VITAL and HUGE peice of information.

And then there is the relationship with the nurses. I seriously had a nurse who has only known Addison for two days, tell me "Do not touch her." Excuse me but by gently placing my hand on hers and calmly talking to her to try and soothe her, is probably the best thing for her right now. I realize you may be her nurse, but I am her Mom, I know what is comforting to her and that's what she needs right now when she is having a moment where she is freaking out and looking at me with these eyes, screaming "DO SOMETHING MOMMMY, MAKE IT STOP." I would give anything to hold her and surround her in love, but I know I can't right now. The least I can do is hold her hand and let her know I am there. I have been doing this long enough to know if she doesn't like what I am doing and I know when to leave her alone.

I should also add this is the same nurse who found it vastly appropriate to criticize how I was feeding Blake and tell me that after only 5 minutes of being there he was bored. Not exactly like I have alot of options at this point to entertain him but I am pretty sure it wasn't boredom but rather hunger, and I am pretty sure there was nothing wrong with holding the bottle in his mouth while he was still in the stroller, at least long enough to calm him down so I could pick him up. Seriously she whacked me in the arm with a pile of papers and demanded that he deserved to be held and cuddled close and if I was breastfeeding I wouldn't be able to get away with that foolishness.

Ok but yet you think it's ok to let a baby's high O2 stat alarm go off for over a half an hour and not adjust her oxygen because you are too busy checking you email and you think its appropriate to say "enough Addison stop with the bells now." and silence that high stat alarm while you gripe about how much you hate your job??? Very professional. You may be having a rough day, but seriously if you think this is bad you should have seen Addison when she was first born and those nurses who cared for her did it gracefully and never once complained. After only caring for her once, I am very sorry but I don't think you get that right. This is very mild compared to the beginning.

When I talked to the charge nurse about her behavior, I was told this nurse is famous for being harsh and abrasive and that it's not the first time they've gotten complaints about her behavior. Then please tell me why something hasn't been done about it. I probably would have tolerated most of her behavior, but to smack someone with a pile of papers like they are a dog or a child is beyond disrespectful. And I'd like to know even more why she was assigned to Addison again the following day.
I miss the old hospital and the people there who took such good care of both babies. I wish we could still be there. The nurses there were like family to us and we all had a mutual respect for one another. Here it's not the same. They treat us like we are new at this game and like we are clueless.With this hospital comes a "big time name" and there for a "big time attitude" from some of their employees, like because they work there they are better then anyone else. Sigh... we'll get there I suppose, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Not so random ramblings of a "we've been in the NICU too long" Mom.

Being a NICU mom, I've experienced a lot of things. In the beginning they tell you it's going to be a roller coaster ride, so fasten your seat belt. No one asked if I liked roller coasters (I don't) and no one asked if I wanted to get on the roller coaster (I didn't). But none the less I stood in line for 26 weeks, to endure the longest roller coaster ride of my life and to witness a beautiful miracle unfold before my eyes.

I've learned a lot...

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR MATERNAL INSTINCT....and don't be afraid to speak up and voice your concerns.

IT'S OK TO QUESTION AUTHORITY (just because they have the medical degree doesn't mean they know your baby as well as you do, you are part of a vital team that is making sure your baby thrives!)

YOU HAVE VERY LITTLE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION... very very little control.  I'd say 95% of what happens in the NICU just happens, and quickly too. 95% of the care your child receives is what I always "have to care" as in it has to happen for your baby to survive. You will get used to things just happening and then they throw a wrench in things and ask you to make a decision, large or small.

YOU WILL FIND OUT WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS (and family) ARE...cling to those who are really there for you and get rid of the negative.

YOU WILL GET A LOT OF UNSOLICITED ADVICE... people close to you will suddenly become experts on Preemies and/or make constant comparisons.

EVERY PREEMIE IS DIFFERENT...including my twins...so TRY NOT TO COMPARE THEM TO OTHER BABIES...they are unique in their own way.

COME UP WITH SOME KIND OF ROUTINE...trust me it will help you maintain your sanity and give you some sense of normalcy.

MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF...AND YOUR SPOUSE...even if its 30 minutes, just do it. Go to dinner, see a movie, take a bubble bath, something. (This is easier said then done, but it does help).

PRAY...prayer is a powerful thing. Trust that God will not forsake you and what is HIS WILL , will be done.

TRY NOT TO LET YOUR MIND WANDER... I by nature am a planner, I need a plan and I need to know what happens next. I often found myself thinking about the what ifs and what will bes. Whenever I felt like I was slipping to far, I went back to the above and PRAYED.

As Addison approaches surgery day (Monday) I wonder and pray that we made the right choice. I ask myself is she strong enough, then curse myself for doubting her. Of course she is strong enough, she is stronger then anyone in this world. She is fierce and empowering (like me), determined and persistent (like her daddy), really she is the best this world has to offer. An amazing little person who is ready to bloom. I pray she keeps fighting and exceeds all the expectations set forth for her. I pray that we made the best decision for her and that she wants this... we are expected to be her voice, and I pray that in years to come she understand all we did was out of love.

Two weeks home at home with Blake under my belt, I feel accomplished but lost at the same time. This isn't how I planned, not how I though at all. Once I knew there was a chance we'd have preemies, I knew one would come home first, but I thought it would be just a few days, not weeks.  I love having Blake home, but wish Addison was here too. (Things were easier when they were all in one place, not that I want Blake to still be there.) This isn't the routine I wanted for Blake and Addison. I envisioned waking when "Daddy" goes to work and feeding those first AM bottles. Snuggling with two little ones in my arms and who knows, maybe going back to sleep just for a little while (or at least letting the twins sleep), followed by tummy time, walks in the park, swinging in their babies swings, bouncy chair time, dinner with Daddy when he gets home from work, bottles, bottles, bottles, bath time, bed time and anything else we could come up with in between. Instead it's been up for a bottle, shower time for mommy, get dress, go visit Addison, try to juggle two babies without disturbing the whole hospital with a screaming infant.

But it will be ok, not much longer. Soon Addison with join her brother here at home and I will wonder what the hell I was so worried about (that is when I have time to wonder).

That's a lot for one night, but if you read it all thanks. And thanks for the prayers that you continue to pray.

I thought things were going to get better here...

(At the new hospital that is) But sadly they haven't. Addison has been there for a week now and we are no closer to surgery then we were the day she was admitted. They wanted first to try stomach feeds again. She tolerated those well for a little bit (a day or two tops) then she started have episodes where milk would come out of her nose/mouth, so they upped her Prevacid dose for 24 hours. Then they decide lets stop her Prevacid all together in preparation for her pH study (to measure the amount/times of reflux), since then she has began vomiting (another sure fire sign of reflux), so what do they decide to do? Move her feeding tube back to OJ for today and then they will move it back to her stomach tomorrow for 24 hours to do the pH study and then they will decide if she needs the Nissin.

Seriously? I am think she has clearly demonstrated the need for the surgery. Move on and quit dragging your feet. I am sick of this, beyond sick of it. I am ready to have her home and on the way to recovery. And what's better is we have asked several times to speak with the surgeons who will be doing her surgery, they refuse to consult or talk to us until "we know for sure she needs the surgery" and are saying that won't happen until the end of this week possibly. So yet another week will go by and no progress. And honestly I think the surgeons should be speaking to us now so that if, there seems to be no doubt in my mind, she needs the surgery we as her parents can have some time to think about it and make the best decision for her.

And as usual everything changes with a change in Attendings. Weekends are usually the worse unless Dr. B is working, she likes to "shake things up" as she puts it, but honestly its the only time Addison makes progress on the weekends.

Well I am off to shower and head to the hospital to visit baby girl and talk to these doctors once more. Maybe today someone will be willing to listen and get the ball rolling.

Home sweet home...

Yup that's right Blake arrived home on Friday 5/26/2011... exactly 9 months to the day that he took life via IVF. Not many people can say that. My original due date was this past Monday 5/23/2011, so he came home "right on time".  He is loving life and enjoys keeping Mommy and Daddy awake from 12am - 3am nightly. He's not a screamer and is content 24-7, he just likes to "talk"...other then that he sleeps well at night and pretty much has to be woke up to eat after 9 pm. We get some good wake times with him throughout the day too. So far his favorite hobby is snuggling and checking out the animals. We had our first visit with our home health nurse today and she gave us a good report, he is still gaining weight and all of his measurements are on track. He's now 19 1/2 inches tall and 8lbs, 9ozs! Oh and he took a massive pee all down my shirt today when I was carrying him over to the sink for bath time.

Addison is settling in well at her temporary home too. Hopefully it wont be much longer before she joins her brother at our home.  Doctors are saying she will need surgery and a g-tube for her reflux. We are hoping that this will take place in the next week so that her Daddy can be there and not have to miss much more time from work because he wants to be home with us when she is finally discharged. She is still wowing her medical team and is offically 7 lbs, 3 ozs! My how far we've come. Today they moved her in to her own "private" suite. Due to her testing positive for MSSA/MRSA she is in isolation. Originally she was rooming in with another little guy with the same situation but they had some space and moved her into her own room so things won't be so crowded when we visit. Our first visit with Blake was though and cramped but we managed. Hopefully our next visit will go better.

I thought NICU life with two babies at the hospital was hard, but I am pretty sure this is harder (or atleast presents its own challanges). We will figure it all out though and I am sure the minute we get the hang of things Addison will be home and we will be adjusting all over again.

Closing a chapter...

Well this is it, one chapter is ending as another is beginning. Addison has offically been transferred to her new home (that we are now calling  "The Big U"), I must say for such an "upscale" hospital the cliental is anything but "upscale" or "classy", with the exception of Addison of course. And this time tomorrow night I will be getting ready to wake up and feed one little boy named....BLAKE. That's right, little man is coming home!

I am currently hanging out here at the "old" NICU spending Blake's last night here with him and completing monitor training. Then it's home to catch a quick cat nap, wait for the oxygen people, catch another cat nap...maybe go buy Blake his swing (because let's face it, I can't hold him 24-7 regardless of what he thinks) and once Daddy get's off of work we will be driving to our "home away from home" for the past three months and picking up our son. Words cannot even begin to express the feelings we have right now.

It is so hard to be sitting here and not seeing Addison to Blake's right and being able to hold her while he sleeps and vice versa...now it is a one or other deal for now. Sigh... but we'll get there. I swear I cried more today then I probably had all this time. Maybe it was just time to get it all out.

As the doctor and nurse practioner made their rounds this morning, I made sure to snap pictures to save for the babies. Dr. K was the doctor who spent more then the first 48 hours with her and did everything he could think of to keep her thriving. And ofcourse their's V or "Aunt V" as well like to call her, she too shares a special bond with Addison. I can't tell you home many gray hairs she must have because of our little girl.

We've had our share of ups and downs and the staff here has seen us at our best and at our worst, but we've made it and here we are...

Our journey is far from over and it a lot of ways it is just beginning. While Blake will be home with us tomorrow, Big U will begin running test to see if our little girl can bottle feed and decide if she will need a G-tube as well as when possibly they may do the surgery to repair her cleft palate. As always thank you for your continued prayers these babies are proof in the power of prayer.