Monday, June 10, 2013

Being a Mommy is Overwhelming

Last night Blake woke up crying and wouldn't settle so I brought him down to our room and we cuddled up. He wanted to lay his head on my chest - it was the only way he would go back to sleep. Then he wrapped his hand around my finger.

In that instant my mind drifted back to the first time I held him. So tiny, so fragile and oh so amazing. He had on his little fuzzy blue hat to help keep him warm. It was the smallest they had but still too big. He literally just fit on my chest - so tiny. I barely felt his weight then.

Tonight I can smell the scent of the baby shampoo and he feels more like a ton of bricks laying on me. His toes nearly touching my knees. I won't dare move. I take it all in knowing that soon this moment will be gone forever. I won't ever get it back.

One night he won't need his mommy anymore. But for now he does. And I am glad. For the 1 am wake up call, the kick in the side. The flying hands. The occasional whine in his sleep. To hear the sound of him breathing, dreaming. It's all worth it. He used to be my cuddle bug but recently has grown into his own space. Especially when he sleeps, even when he "needs" me it's clear he needs his space too lol.

Never in a million years did I expect being a mom to be so overwhelmed with emotions, with love, sometimes fear and even the occasional two year old meltdown (times two!) Sometimes the days just get the best of me and I think back, remembering where it all started and my heart just fills with love and joy. To have the opportunity to see the world all over again for the first time, through their eyes. To watch them grow up (way too fast if you ask me). It's all simply amazingly overwhelming. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Blake - I hope as you laid on my chest tonight that you could hear my heart beat and feel every ounce of love I have for you and your sister, and that you both come to know just how very much you mean to me. To all of us. And thank you for that one little moment in time that reminds me what being a mommy is all about. <3

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